The Suffering Podcast

Episode 119: The Suffering of A Life In Chaos with Stacey Ellis

March 26, 2023 Stacey Ellis Season 3 Episode 119
The Suffering Podcast
Episode 119: The Suffering of A Life In Chaos with Stacey Ellis
Show Notes Transcript

Stacey lived a life of chaos that began at birth. Born into a life of instability, drug abuse, and neglect, having to recreate her childhood as an adult. The chaos led her to a life on the streets of Trenton hopeless, broken, angry, and lost. Stacey refused to let her mistakes or the mistakes of others define her future. Life began in 2018 when Stacey made the choice to get sober and abandon the victim mentality. She now dedicates her life to helping other lost hopeless souls. Working at a medical detox facility (Princeton Detox and Recovery Center) means allows Stacey to meet her clients at their point of surrender. Stacey commits herself everyday to helping others seek freedom from substance abuse and help them see the hope and strength that pain brings. 

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Gaurdian IOP

Guardian Recovery Network

Princeton Recovery and Detox


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Kevin Donaldson:

This is gonna hurt. It's time for the sufferings podcast podcast. From a young age, we only know what we know, the concepts of good and bad are relative to each individual. Defeat and victories are all based on your experience. Difficulties arrive when you see the possibilities. Your perceptions come alive and you notice what you have, or have not. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. It's amazing what human beings can become used to a difficult life that seems normal is neither viewed positively or negatively. If that's all you know, if you're coming out of the darkness, and looking back, you are amazed at how far you've come and what you've accomplished. I'm Kevin Donaldson here with Mike Felice. And on this episode of the suffering podcast, we welcome Stacey Ellis to discuss the suffering of a life and cast it was it was a tough one to name because your story, everybody, you're going to hear something today that is like, wow, I remember talking to you on the phone and you got done telling me a little brief snippet of your story. And I was just like, wow,

Mike Failace:

we need her on.

Kevin Donaldson:

Yeah, like Yeah, okay, perfect. All right, what I gotta do to get you get you up here. Thank you so much for coming all this way. You're very welcome. I know you're South Jersey grill now

Mike Failace:

so and not an Eagles fan?

Kevin Donaldson:

Yeah, well, it's funny how all the Eagles fans disappeared now. Like before the Super Bowl, everybody's walking around with green and like you'd come on, you're breaking your leg chiefs hat on when I came in. Before we get into anything, let's throw a shout out to our marquee sponsor, that's Toyota of Hackensack. We don't trust anybody, but we do trust them. So if you're looking for a car, go to Toyota hackensack.com and let them find you a car.

Mike Failace:

My father even bought a car from Toyota. He

Kevin Donaldson:

doesn't know how to work anything. He

Mike Failace:

doesn't trust anybody

Kevin Donaldson:

doesn't know how to work anything. As long as you don't mention any names.

Mike Failace:

He goes to put the windshield wipers on the sunroof opens.

Kevin Donaldson:

So Stacy, I know you traveled so far. Thank you so much. You're one of these people that your story is just like it's it's gonna give people perspective on their own lives. You know, everybody's suffering is, as Mike says unto themselves. Now yours. You went where few people have ever gone? Yeah, but before we hear anything about it. Each week, we take a question from our audience this week social media question comes from s 498. Underscore kindness. That was a long one. What's your favorite quote? Now I know in your in your recovery, and just gives you a little window into what we're going to talk about. You're probably heard quote after quote after quote, to try to help you get through what's your favorite one?

Unknown:

So I'm gonna say, the firt my first and favorite quote that I replay in my head repetitively, was said to me from my first drug and alcohol counselor when I was in rehab, when I made the first like, honest attempt at sobriety, and it was If not now, when?

Kevin Donaldson:

No like that, and you can apply that to all different aspects of your life. Yeah,

Mike Failace:

no doubt about that. Mike, I

Kevin Donaldson:

know you're a huge quote guy. So this one, this one was tailor made for you.

Mike Failace:

I narrowed it down to three.

Kevin Donaldson:

I have three, just three

Mike Failace:

just right. Well, I had about six but I cross them off. One of my favorites is never get upset. Get up and set yourself. Okay. You know, I mean, that that's it if you if you sit there and let things really fester, fester. Yeah, you know, it's gonna get to you. The other one that I heard, and I heard it just the other day, I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes. And that, I mean, that's just, I'm not just deep, you know? And they were we three minutes and yet yes, we're three milk and the other one is no fucks given. I don't give a fuck anymore. What happens happens

Kevin Donaldson:

for me, I heard this one recently. It's if you think you can, you're right. If you think you can't, you're right. It all depends on what kind of drive you have in your mindset. Now, I know that I said

Mike Failace:

that last week.

Kevin Donaldson:

No, I said that one. We got footage now. This is all on camera to verify. We need fact checkers back there drill.

Mike Failace:

Can I tell you my favorite quote? It's like a prairie fire.

Kevin Donaldson:

Yes, yes. Yes. Armor inside joke armor. Thank you so much for sending in your social media questions. And I have to actually read the the name of the person that sent this one in s 498. Underscore kindness. Thank you so much. Keep sending in those questions. We will try to get them on the air. Now, Stacy, come all this way. And why don't you tell our audience a little bit about yourself?

Unknown:

Well, Hama, as from the quote, I'm a person in recovery. I'm also you know, a person who survived like the depths of addiction, but I'm also a person that is very grateful every day, and I would not change anything that I went through. I wouldn't change one second of it because it's like when you live in the dark for so long and you're finally in the light There's not a day that goes by that I'm not just so grateful for the people I have the life I have the job I have the hope I have the

Mike Failace:

dark almost makes you the person that you are.

Unknown:

Yep, exactly. And I still embrace it, I still find beauty in all the pain and everything that happened. I mean,

Mike Failace:

that's, that's really like the genesis behind the show, though, you know, you have to go through some kind of suffering to make you the person that you are today.

Kevin Donaldson:

Yeah, there's a lot of people out there with short memories. You know, they've gone through something, and they're through it, and they sort of just leave that world behind. They don't want to think about it again, they almost run away from the prairie fire. But when you face that, and you're willing to give back, that's really a fulfilled life. You know, that's what you do. And that's where you are now from what I understand. So, you are you are you married? You have kids

Unknown:

recently married? I'm recently married.

Mike Failace:

I have legend.

Unknown:

Thank you. Wonderful. Well, it

Kevin Donaldson:

depends on how you look at it depends on how you look at that.

Unknown:

Well, I'm in the first year, so it's still a congratulate.

Kevin Donaldson:

I'm like 20 years in so okay.

Unknown:

I have a 10 year old. Well, congratulations.

Kevin Donaldson:

You have a 10 year old son. Yeah, yep. Son steps out. Okay.

Unknown:

Looks like my best friend. That's a great part about being a step parent is I get to say yes to everything, and do all the fun stuff. But he's amazing.

Kevin Donaldson:

Of course. You got to attend your tenure. You really got to you got to get them to like you. Yes, you're coming in coming in cold. Yeah. So you got to you got to do every stealing that

Mike Failace:

away from you.

Unknown:

Yeah, but he's like the adult in the household between me, him and the father. He's like the adult. He's like, I think it's my bedtime. Don't you want to stay up a little late? Like, like, you want to watch this? He's like, I don't think it would be wise.

Kevin Donaldson:

You You don't seem that oh, can I May I ask how old you are.

Unknown:

I'm gonna be 40 this year. Oh my gosh, great anxiety, I might add weight

Kevin Donaldson:

40s tough. I'm approaching 50. And I'm not looking forward.

Mike Failace:

I'm approaching 60.

Kevin Donaldson:

I'm gonna, I'm telling that line and I don't like it. And I don't even want to think about 60 yet because I can barely walk it almost 50. So you know you. I don't even know where to start here. Like I I've heard this and I want to make sure I tee it up properly. As a child, What's your earliest childhood memory?

Unknown:

So my earliest childhood memory, I was born into a family of chaos, suffering. And both my parents were addicts. My mom was mentally ill.

Kevin Donaldson:

And what was their drug of choice?

Unknown:

I mean, you name it back in the day they called meth crank. So my dad was on crank. My mom just named like whatever man she was married to, at the time, basically, um, but the first memory that sticks out to me so so my mom left me with my dad. And, you know, my dad's house was crazy. Like people in and out he he sold through like the window. I remember weighing things out on like old school triple beams. But the one like the most thing I remember about that, despite all the chaos is I felt loved. Like, maybe he didn't know how to be a dad, but he knew how to love me. And I felt loved. And I remember I had to be probably four years old, three and a half, four years old, and the yard playing in the yard had like rocks. And this woman who I didn't really know her to see her came to like this gate. And like, I recognized her voice. And I just remember running to her. And it was I distinctly remember I was I was running like, these rocks aren't hurting my feet. But it was my mom,

Kevin Donaldson:

you know. So just because you're you have an addiction doesn't mean you don't love your children. And there's a case in point. So one of the first times I ever saw something that just really turned my stomach where I worked as a police officer was a conduit line from Newark to Pennsylvania with the drug trade with the heroin trade, specifically. And they would always pull over in my town and get their fix before they headed back after a cop. They pull over near town and right. And they had a they had an infant in the car. It wasn't enough, probably eight, nine months. You know, it was in a car seat. But I was so young. I didn't have children at the time and I didn't know anything. I've never even held a baby like that's how green I was. I remember we were wearing a long sleeve shirts. We get the people out there's three of them. And there's two guys and a girl and with girls that were the parents were there. And I held this baby and the baby's diaper was so wet. No diapers can hold a lot of stuff. The diaper was so wet that it's soaked my arm and I said and I'm like You motherfuckers like I was so mad at the parents. But this will show you the parents love the two men in their the the father specifically cop to everything. So she could go home with the child and I know she was using I know she was but that's That's a mother that's a mother and a father's love.

Mike Failace:

But there's a child's love. Also, children don't know addiction. Correct. They just know their parents. They love their

Unknown:

parents. My mother was my first addiction. By far. She was the first thing the witch mother leaves, though. So I mean, who knows you did she go away. That's that's she went down to Florida. I was born up here in New Jersey, she went down to Florida and married some biker, dude. Like a biker kid down there. But like, that was my mom's routine, her whole life, she just cut and run from everything. And when she got me from that yard that day, she took me down to Florida, and took me from, you know, my dad.

Mike Failace:

So she, she didn't like kidnap you or anything. She just called you over and you went with her and you're gone, or,

Unknown:

I mean, there was no like legal custody. I don't think that she came and got me because she wanted to raise me and love me. And like she missed me all these years and was wondering how I was doing I don't think that I just think she was in like a momentary spurt where she wanted to play mommy. And so we went down to Florida. And she was married to some guy who was not nice, who was very abusive, and to your mother, or to you also, to me, also, and my mother. And you know, that's, that's where, like, the chaos really begin. And my mom was drunk all the time going out with other men and like, my stepdad had a rule like he would stay and babysit us. But we had to be in bed. So I remember, my mom would put us to bed at like, 233 o'clock in the afternoon. And like we see kids playing in the yard and the ice cream driving by and like we would be in bed.

Kevin Donaldson:

us there was another sibling who's gonna

Mike Failace:

say, Wait

Unknown:

a half brother. Yeah, so

Kevin Donaldson:

there's three. There's three of you there. Yes. Well, yeah. So your mother's out with different men while your stepfather? It's kind of weird. Yeah, it's kind of a, it's chaos and chaos. Yeah. So when Stacy and I were talking about this, I'm like, I don't know how to name this episode. And when you were telling me a little bit, your story is your life just sounds chaotic.

Unknown:

And that was the calm part. Here we go.

Kevin Donaldson:

Your dad ever come looking for you, though.

Unknown:

So my dad, for whatever reason, you know, I don't know, to this day why he couldn't get me back from the state. I think he had like, warrants, or he was not able to really get custody.

Kevin Donaldson:

So did he but he wanted to though.

Unknown:

He wanted to, from what I believe but from that day, there wasn't really any contact that I remember with my dad until years later.

Kevin Donaldson:

So as as a child, you probably saw some really horrible things. Yeah. What do you think the worst thing is that that you saw?

Unknown:

Well, shortly after going down to my mom, she was very neglectful, like our wouldn't brush our hair like we would go to, like try to walk ourselves to school at five years old, and our hair would be matted. And I just remember the crossing guards trying to comb it out. But what happens when you send a kid to school like that, like the teachers called typhus, CPS, whatever you want to call it, and the police came to the school and took me away.

Kevin Donaldson:

It's tough because I've actually seen it coaching young kids in the town I live in, I've seen it, where parents have some stuff going on, you know, for whatever reason, they have some stuff going on. But here's a child who just wants to be a child, you know, and they're already got sort of one strike against them. Now, did you ever Mike, did you ever pull over a car from one of the inner cities? And you see, I can still remember today, it was a minivan and there was like seven kids in there. All of them should have been in car seats, but most of them were their dirty snot hanging off their nose. They were all from different parents. And your heart bleeds for these kids because you're like, Man, you don't even have a chance.

Mike Failace:

But like you said before, you know, that's a child's love. They don't know any better. That's the life they know. They just know they love their parents. You know, they don't know what it does not run down their nose. They didn't know that your hair is supposed to be matted. Yeah, were you like picked on in school or anything? Like because your hair was always matted,

Unknown:

incredibly, but then started my rounds in foster carers and group homes. I mean by the dozens. And like the whole time we're speaking of a mother's love, like I just knew my mom was the victim. And like this system was in place to keep me away from her. I remember them trying to put me in counseling, and I would sit there for the whole hour and not open my mouth or say anything because I felt like they were trying to convince me my mom didn't love me. And like make me mad at her.

Kevin Donaldson:

What's the age?

Unknown:

Well, I mean, I was taken away at five. I ran away from foster care to find my mother again at 12. And in the midst of that, like my mom did, like jail time for child abuse charges against me no kid neglect,

Kevin Donaldson:

was it neglect or was it was abuse? Do you mind if I ask you what kind of abuse?

Unknown:

I mean, with my mind it was a lot of physical abuse. I remember when the police came to the classroom to take me out. They made me get down I'm like, stripped down to my underwear in the guidance counselor's office and like took pictures of me and marked every bruise on my body. And it was mortifying, and in that very moment is when my absolute disdain for authority again, because these people say you're there to help you. And like, I felt embarrassed. What were

Kevin Donaldson:

some of the reasons that your mother would hit you?

Unknown:

So it was it was numerous things. One, if we embarrassed her in public, if we wouldn't go to bed so she could go out at night. You name it, it didn't. It didn't really. It didn't take too much. I mean, she was mentally ill as well as you know, addicted to substances. So

Kevin Donaldson:

well, do you think and I don't know anything about your mother? Do you think that there's something in her past that made this this way?

Unknown:

I mean, I couldn't tell you I never really dug too deep into I don't I never

Mike Failace:

met like your grandparents or anything like that. You don't know no relationship between your parents and their parents? No, they're all

Unknown:

deceased.

Kevin Donaldson:

Because usually when something like that happens, and we've seen it enough, usually when something like that happens, it comes from their past product

Mike Failace:

or system.

Unknown:

So I remember hearing her father was an alcoholic, but I don't remember.

Kevin Donaldson:

And then at some point, that cycle has to break. But sometimes it takes 234 or five generations in order to break that cycle.

Unknown:

Generational curses are real generational curses are real. And it takes a lot of strength, a lot of power, a lot of dedication, one to identify it and to to break it. Yeah. And sometimes you don't always get it, right. Because like

Mike Failace:

I said, if you're if you're born into it, that's the only thing you know, it's the only thing. It's just passed on. You know, like you said, in law enforcement, your dad's a cop, you want to become a cop. Yeah. You know, your mother's an addict. And she's sleeping around or whatever the case may be. That may be the life that you're burdened.

Unknown:

Yeah. And then what you're taken away. And then I'm thrown into this foster care system. And like Rangers, everybody hear stories about what happens to little girls in foster care, like, unfortunately, they're true. And I went through more hell being in foster care than I ever did, being with my biological family. And I just remember thinking like, if I'm going to be anybody's victim, like, I'd rather be with my real family.

Mike Failace:

Have you? Did you rebel against your foster parents? Oh, my God.

Kevin Donaldson:

Which ones? Well, so what's the worst in foster care? Because I've heard many times foster care system is broken. I know they're getting money for housing you and feeding you. But sometimes they use that money for themselves rather than your care. What's, what's some of the worst abuse? And again, I'm doing this for I have questions about this. I've heard stories, I've never actually heard somebody tell the true horrors of the foster care system.

Unknown:

So sexual abuse. I mean, it took me getting sober, to be able to like I used to foster dads, foster brothers, foster siblings, like they all do stuff, to what age, I mean, start in five, oh, my God. And then I would have periods of time where I was in like a decent home, I had one really good foster home that to this day, I love them. And like they were, they were good to me. I'll get to that later, but they were really good to me, but almost every single home, and then you're putting these group homes, and you're around other kids who were sexually abused themselves. And that's what they do to you. And I never told I never told anybody because no matter what, like you're used to wherever you're at. So if you tell them you're taken out of that home and move to a different home, you now have to switch schools, you're afraid of people finding out because you're already different. Like it was this big, dark secret, I used to think they would come in and smother me with a pillow. So it took until I got sober that I could have pillows on my bed. Because I thought they would come in and smother me. So I want to know, when you

Mike Failace:

went from foster home to foster home, if there was like abuse in the first home. Did you almost like come to expect it in a second home? Yeah, I think it was just a way to system,

Unknown:

just the way that it was like they had a right that you were the cast off. You were not loved by your families. And there's even like a competitive nature among children in foster care. So there's always this thing you want people to think that your parents are trying to get you back. And there's like a copy of the Oliver

Kevin Donaldson:

Twist. Yeah, the oh, they just they just lost me one day at the park. Yeah, they really want me oh my gosh, I you know, it's amazing what kids can get used to. Yeah, yeah, it's scary to it's scary to think that there's people out there that are predators like this that will do this to young children because kids get used to that because they don't know better. They're so innocent. I mean, they don't know any and your

Mike Failace:

mind is their mind is that that's when their mind is molded. You know when you're a kid and when your mind is molded and that's how your life's gonna be and you just,

Unknown:

yeah, you saw I had this one. Great foster home. I'm nine at this time and I've run the gamut. have numerous homes, group homes by nine

Mike Failace:

years old.

Unknown:

Your foster home Pro, the caseworker comes and gets me from this current group on my man and brings me to Burger King and tells me well, we got another foster home for you. My response was like, You're telling me this, like, I have a choice, like I let me go pack my artwork in this brown paper bag. And like, let's go. And I went there. And that was my first experience with like, a real family and real love and unconditional love and support and safety.

Kevin Donaldson:

And how did that feel? Like, What did that feel like when you first experienced that

Unknown:

uncomfortable? It was very uncomfortable, you wait for the shoe to drop. But then there's this sense of guilt, right? Because I don't know where my sister is. I don't know where my brother

Kevin Donaldson:

Oh, Kelly forgot about that. Yes, brother and a sister. I don't know where

Unknown:

they are no contact. My mom had visitation every Wednesday for an hour. And I would go down to the state building. And I would sit there and she never showed up for years, your mother wouldn't show up, my mother would not show up. And I would sit there and I would go back to these homes and I would make up these lies. My mom came and like, she gave me crap for not doing my schoolwork. And I just was so scared that if somebody knew my mom didn't love me that they would deem me unworthy of love, also. So like I built this wall. Nobody knew the truth. And then I got to this home. And I mean, I act it out. I mean, I gave I gave him a run for their money, but they did everything they could to solve it. And it got to a point where they wanted to adopt me.

Kevin Donaldson:

Well, that guilt that you're talking about was that guilt? Did you feel like you were damaged goods?

Unknown:

No, I felt like I didn't know what they were suffering through. Like I didn't know what my mom was suffering through. I knew she was like, had to do some jail time for charges from when I was young. And I felt like it was my fault. And finally, I could hit it better at school or I just felt guilty. I didn't know where my sister was. I didn't know if she was also in foster care. I had no idea.

Kevin Donaldson:

None. Did you ever find out where your sister was? Eventually?

Unknown:

Yeah. So the family wanted to adopt me when it came time for the IP, their parental rights to finally be terminated. And we went to court. And I remember that they told me and prepped me that my mom was going to be in this courtroom. And this was the first time I would have seen her for years. And I remember thinking, Oh my God, if I could just lock eyes with this woman, she'll know that I love her and like I've missed her and like I just want her and she's gonna be so want to go back

Mike Failace:

to that after all

Kevin Donaldson:

this stuff. After all this stuff. It's how resilient children are. They still love their parents. They want to they want to love their parents. Yeah. Unfortunately, some parents don't deserve to be parents. Yeah, I'm not saying it. But your mother, but that's the truth.

Unknown:

So I walk in this courtroom and she's in handcuffs and shackles. And she looked at me and she said, You look like an effing Norman Rockwell child. I didn't know what that meant. But I knew like her tone was not good. And she wasn't happy to see me. And we went back to the the foster home. And like, a couple of weeks later, I got a letter from my mom. And I remember it saying like, you know, if you if you're adopted, and you let them adopt you, I won't be your mommy no more. And like, basically, how dare you live this comfortable life while I'm in jail. And guilt got me this, like distorted sense of loyalty got me and I told them, I don't want them to adopt me to guilt drunk kids,

Kevin Donaldson:

kids, I guess. I never thought of it that way. Do you have a say whether you want them to adopt you?

Unknown:

So I'm not Dave respected what I said. So I told them. And they said, if you go to six weeks of counseling, and at the end of six weeks, if you look us in the face, and you tell us, you don't love us, we'll let you go call your caseworker, we'll send you off. And we went to six weeks of counseling. I didn't say a word. I was scared. I felt like if I said one thing that all the emotions would come out. And they would realize that I did really love them. And I wanted them to be my family. I just didn't know how to accept it. And I told them, the hardest lie I've ever told in my life is the end of that counseling session when we were in the parking lot. And I remember the foster mom grabbing me by my shoulder saying Tell me Tell me. And I told her, I love you. I don't want to be a part of this family.

Kevin Donaldson:

And they probably

Mike Failace:

probably tore tore you up and tore them up. That's what

Kevin Donaldson:

that's what I'm thinking they're their heart must been broken.

Unknown:

Yeah. And what happened I called my caseworker. By this time, I'm 12 years old, so I'm older. So you're a whole, you appeal to a whole new variety of men and some really, really bad things happen. They weren't home. Sure I was in and I said you know what? I'm not nobody's victim no more. And you have a red folder in foster care. And I knew before they terminate rights, they tried to contact every biological family member and I knew there was infirm. Patient in this folder so I broke into this current foster moms room and I stole this folder and I ran away. And it's back when like you I snuck on a Greyhound because I had I found this address and New Jersey address. It's all it was no name, no phone number. And it's when like kids rode for free on the Greyhound side, like hold the little lady's coat in front of me. And it took me a day sometimes you get on sometimes you don't try to take a greyhound up here in the address turned out to be my dad's sister.

Kevin Donaldson:

Well, how did you survive eight days with I'm assuming you had no money? Or did you snow? How did you do that?

Unknown:

Like people gave you a food they see a little kid and like by this time, like my power is the manipulation were were pretty good. You know,

Kevin Donaldson:

you had to develop certain skills that the normal skills that normal 12 year old doesn't have. Yeah, you have to be a little bit cunning, probably a little bit manipulative. Guys.

Mike Failace:

Like when someone saw someone on the ground, don't you think they'd call a police when you get to

Unknown:

that road greyhounds weren't really all that

Kevin Donaldson:

you're not talking about the top

Mike Failace:

is a reason or on a great

Unknown:

Drew, which made me incredibly comfortable, right? Because I was if I was with some kind of different demographic, I would have been uncomfortable because I would have stood out.

Mike Failace:

You had a certain connection with those type of people

Kevin Donaldson:

without saying, but now you're 12 years old, you're out on your own. And now you appeal to a whole you're a victim to a whole different crowd of people.

Mike Failace:

What was special man because I'm sure you're starting to develop at that point. 12 years

Unknown:

old. Yeah. So that was actually the safest I've been as far as like predators are concerned because they put me back in contact with my mom was out of jail with my biological mom. And I spent my time chasing her around like I was her victim at that point. And she kept me very isolated. You have to remember, if I was seen outside with her, she would get arrested for kidnapping. So I was very much hidden. Like I couldn't go outside during the day. I could not enroll in school. Last grade I completed until I got sober was the sixth grade. Like I couldn't go to school. I couldn't do anything.

Kevin Donaldson:

Were there any moments of clarity with your mother? No. I, I got a 13 year old. So this is hitting a little close to home. I can't imagine number one my 13 year old six foot tall so I don't think anybody's going to

Mike Failace:

ride no greyhounds. Anytime. Yeah, he doesn't fit

Kevin Donaldson:

too well a greyhound seat. But I can't imagine him being out on his own devices. Because at 12 or 13 years old, your decision making you think it's good. But it's probably not the best.

Unknown:

But I didn't even have the luxury of running in crowds. I was hidden from the world, fully dependent on my mom reconnected with my sister. My sister was never put in foster care. My sister was sent to live with family, my dad, my aunt. And when my mom got out of jail, we reconnected. I mean nothing stable. It was like living in this state living in that state. My mom would bartend sometimes she would go to work and not come home for two or three days and we'd have nothing to eat. And we couldn't leave because then people would know and like we seen what happened when you ask for help. So we would like ration out coffee cakes and like food. There was no like free time I didn't like I was just hidden chasing her around trying what I thought at the time to keep her alive.

Kevin Donaldson:

And did you did your dad ever come back into the picture?

Unknown:

So we reconnected with him off and on my dad by this time was a severe alcoholic. I think he suffered from depression to he. I just remember like seeing him off and on and him crying and like apologizing for all those years I was in foster care. I never shared with my my mom or my dad. What happened to me when I was in foster care, it was kind of a burden that I carried. I didn't want to put too much more on them. It wasn't only until recently my sister found out

Kevin Donaldson:

and your sister was for all intents and purposes left untouched. Okay, that's well, there's some positive news because that worry that that thought of the unknown probably weighed very heavily on a 12 year old shoulder, you know, as you develop?

Mike Failace:

Yeah, she younger sister older.

Unknown:

She's a year younger.

Mike Failace:

So how's Oh, you were kind of taken care of or who was your younger sister? You know, who's

Unknown:

I feel like she kind of she was very level headed a lot like my stepson. I mean, I feel like she was very, you know, rational. I did start drinking when I was 12 with my mom and like, my mom would like to play quarters and she would get mad if I wouldn't drink with her and say Oh, you think you think you're better than me? And like I started all that my sister went to school and she did well in school and she was able to leave the house and

Kevin Donaldson:

this is Not only this stuff, this is why I wanted you to come in here because this is stuff that you see in movies. Yeah. And you think that it's cinematic license. It's not this is this is real. And even though it's 2023, I'm sure it's still happening over and over and over again. You know, the system as much as the system tries to guard against these things. There's still these bad people out paid people, we're always going to be around.

Unknown:

Yeah, the good people that work for the system. They're just outnumbered. Yeah, they're just completely overwhelmed.

Mike Failace:

They're trying to do the right thing. But again, they're their partner system, Tony, you know,

Kevin Donaldson:

how long did it last? Where there was? I don't stability is not the right word. How long did this last with your with your mother and your sister?

Unknown:

So yeah, stability is not the right word, she would leave us and not come home. I ended up I was probably 14 When I ended up homeless in Daytona Beach. My mom's sent me to the store. This is like, I laugh about it. But like I'm in touch with the fact that it's not all that funny. You know, I sometimes don't realize, like how dramatic this stuff isn't until I say something and see the look on. To me. It's normal. It's all I knew. So I got sent to the store and I come home and she's gone. And she's like, we lived in some seedy hotel, and she's like, packed and moved. And that's when I ended

Kevin Donaldson:

up so your mother's Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second timeout. So you your mother sends you out and then just

Unknown:

leaves time I get back. Gone. Where was your sister at this point? Because this my sister was back with my dad.

Kevin Donaldson:

Who the fuck is this woman? Yeah. I cut them How do you do that to your to your blood? I don't. It's it's a foreign concept. To me. It really is a foreign concept to me. And you know, kids, especially at that age, 14 years old will you know they'll they'll start rebelling against their parents a little bit and they'll say I hate you. I hate really do you? Well, let me introduce you to Stacey Alice. Okay, you say you hate me. I'm going to show you when it when the hate is cuz I don't know whether it was hate or not. But it sounds a lot like resent. You sound like your mother really resented you.

Unknown:

I felt like she did.

Mike Failace:

I went out and I came home, my door was locked and I couldn't get in. I felt like I felt like I was homeless. And I knew my mother was coming home soon. You know, it's just like your luck. How do you come home to nothing like that?

Unknown:

And it's not even shocking in the moment because you expect things

Kevin Donaldson:

like that. Like it's strange to expect like what

Unknown:

now? What next?

Mike Failace:

But what do you do at that point? You go to a hotel and she's not there. I mean, what's your next step?

Unknown:

So I mean, luckily Daytona Beach has a lot of hotels are used to sleep on like the lawn chairs out back in the hotel, weather's decent, weather's decent. And that's, that's about it and just putts around. And I stopped, you know, I started getting into the drugs and the drinking and heavy acid use point.

Kevin Donaldson:

There was a short time in my life where I was homeless, and we're talking like three weeks. Alright, and I was an adult, I was 20 something. And I was, I lived in my car. And I remember the feeling. You try to find some place at least I had a domicile, which was my car. I remember trying to find a place just a bed down for the night. You know, half the time I get woken up with a flashlight in my face making sure I was okay. But I remember the hopelessness like the hopeless feeling like this is this is it this is how it ends? Did it ever did ever think like Did that ever cross your mind like this, that hopelessness overtake you? So a

Unknown:

few times, but I honestly can tell you I felt grateful that I wasn't in foster care.

Kevin Donaldson:

So being homeless is better than being in foster care for you. You know, obviously, if you get lucky, that's that's a different story.

Mike Failace:

That's we're not going to be sponsored by any foster care companies coming up anytime soon. I think

Kevin Donaldson:

this is this is something how do you communicate to a young child to say, Hey, pick up the phone and call us. We can take you to somewhere that's safe, when you're not safe when you're being abused. When you're being physically and sexually abused.

Unknown:

In my behavior up to that point, like you're on a certain list like I behave terribly. So there's a lot of homes I wasn't eligible to go into, like I was ranked whatever the ranking is. differently.

Kevin Donaldson:

This isn't any. This isn't Daddy Warbucks is not going to come and take you away. I'm sure there were some kids in there that hope for that. So the drink you get involved in the drinking and drugs. When the first time you got drunk, did the pain subside a little bit or did that feeling of or to just comment a little bit?

Unknown:

The first time I got drunk I was five years old. My mother she said think it was funny to like, give me beer and watch me stumped and watch his kid stumble around. When I started drinking without being encouraged to drink it was too tied into that same memory of this is what I have to do to be accepted. Like, and also like, My situation was hopeless, like you said, so to reach Oblivion on a daily basis was good. It makes you a little less conscious about

Mike Failace:

numbing and it is a break from reality break

Unknown:

from reality. And then I got to a point when I was 17. And I was like, there's, there has to be more to life than this. And I called my old caseworker. I said, I need I need help, like, I don't know what to do. But what I'm not willing to do is go back into foster care, like I need to emancipate myself. And they just started developing this program called the independent living program in Florida. And it's where you could kind of be emancipated and live on your own and receive financial assistance. They just had certain stipulations. So you had to have an apartment willing to rent to you, you had to have your GED, you had to have $1,000 saved in the bank, and you had to have a job? Well, with no ID No, nothing. I felt like it was impossible, but I always knew like, there has to be a way to do this

Kevin Donaldson:

really a lost child. You know, you could have said your name was Phyllis, whatever you wanted, you could have made up whatever you wanted to do. Did that ever happen? Yeah. You know, in order to get something that you needed to survive?

Unknown:

Yeah, I started to save the $1,000 I needed I started working at some hole in the wall pizza place under a false name. With some ID I found from somebody in North Carolina that was probably a tourist in Daytona, and I got their money saved. And I was the one of the first people in the state of Florida to emancipate themselves and get entered into this program while on runaway status. And I did it over a little payphone with a hearing with the judge. And that's when that began, but by this time, like, yeah, now now you think like, that's the end of the story. Now I had this raging drug problem. I was a full blown alcoholic. But I never knew it was a problem, because that's just what people did. It was the norm. Yeah, it was the norm. I had no idea.

Kevin Donaldson:

Did you ever engage in any type of criminal activity in order to survive?

Mike Failace:

Yeah, statute of limitations.

Kevin Donaldson:

Yeah. So like, what? What would you do? Like if I'm, if I'm a tourist down in Daytona? You see me as a mark, how would you how would you go about doing it?

Unknown:

So you get them real drunk, and you're robbing them? That's the quick and easy check in

Kevin Donaldson:

on a guy who was interested in you like,

Unknown:

not even necessarily you get the young kids that are there on vacation, interested in your teenage boys, young adult boys, and then you get them to rob their dad for you?

Kevin Donaldson:

It's not a crime unless you committed I'm telling you. Yeah.

Unknown:

So and then what's my name? You know what I mean?

Mike Failace:

She's still got the North Carolina days and nobody knows.

Kevin Donaldson:

Why is your name Sid Horowitz? Yeah. Now, How bad did the drug problem get?

Unknown:

I mean, it got it got real, real bad. Looking back, it wasn't as bad as it, it would have gotten like in my 20s and 30s. But it was bad enough. So I really couldn't function. And then I started being able to function above the board, right. So like, now I could get a job and my name and an ID and our driver's license, but I didn't know how to live. I had no example. I didn't I didn't know what credit was. I didn't know anything. So like my solution to that was marry some older surfer

Mike Failace:

dude. That can take care of it. So

Unknown:

you get married. I got married. Okay. Don't remember nothing about it. It was like some drunken weekend.

Kevin Donaldson:

A couple of them. Yeah,

Mike Failace:

I never got married. I no joke a weekend.

Kevin Donaldson:

What was that marriage? Like?

Unknown:

I mean, it was all blur. I don't really remember

Mike Failace:

I was he drinking and drug into?

Unknown:

Yes, he's the one that introduced me to opiates. And not like he said, Here take this. He was doing it. I found out he was doing it. And he couldn't and when it stopped doing it. So

Kevin Donaldson:

opioids such as heroin started off with pain

Unknown:

pills. Back in Florida when the pain pill mills were were big.

Kevin Donaldson:

The it was pain pills are no one ever thought they is matter of fact, that statistic I heard is when the pharmacy the pharmaceutical companies develop those pain pills. They said only less than 1% of people will ever get addicted. That's crazy.

Unknown:

Yeah. And I didn't know I just started taking them. And then we started having we I mean, I don't think I ever took the marriage. Seriously. It was like a marriage of convenience. It was just a marriage of convenience. Like he had his life I had my life. I can't ever tell you that I feel like I was like completely in love with him and like I always knew it was temporary and

Kevin Donaldson:

Lisa was Something, the illusion of stability, the illusion of

Unknown:

stability. That's what I was aiming at. And right before we got married, I came home. This is when answering machines. I'm really aging myself. Now we're out and I come home. And there was a message on the answering machine from the foster parents that wanted to adopt me. And they just wanted to know how I was doing. And all those years passed by had no contact. How do they find you? I don't know. I still don't know how they got that Troy number, but a

Kevin Donaldson:

tracking chip.

Mike Failace:

I don't. They know. They know she's here now.

Kevin Donaldson:

So how did you get out of that situation? Because I know it's not done yet.

Unknown:

No. So the marriage started becoming chaotic. My mom was back in and out of my life. She was very sick, like her look started fading, so she couldn't latch on to like guys for money and stuff anymore. Very mentally, Ill very mentally ill refused to get any help. addicted to crack at this time, and alcohol. And you know, I thought the next best thing to do would be let's have some kids, right? Like, there's another kid. I can't stop drinking and doing drugs. Let me just get pregnant until that works

Kevin Donaldson:

out. Yeah. How did that work out for you.

Unknown:

So I remember giving birth to these kids. And I have identical twin boys too. So I remember holding them these little tiny, tiny babies in my hand and looking him in the face and saying, I will never do to you what was done to me, I love you. My life is gonna be for you. Like I was put on this earth to be a mother. Every decision I make from here on out is going to be what's best for you. And there was somewhat of a sense of normalcy for a couple years. The old foster parents were like grandparents, they were in the room when I gave birth. They were there every step of the way.

Kevin Donaldson:

Bunch of wonderful people,

Unknown:

wonderful people.

Kevin Donaldson:

What do you want to say their names on their? God? I'd love to give them credit for being such wonderful people. If you if you're willing. Not? No, no, no, no problem.

Unknown:

Because I mean, I would love to give them credit, too. But these people sound like saints. Oh, wait, Yeah, you heard the rest, the best of what they've done. So I had these babies on treated drug problem raging drug problem, started getting arrested DUIs, domestic violence on the annoying husband that I had that I never really liked in the first place. I mean, just repetitive. And, you know, I always told myself when I knew it was a problem. And I was able to identify it as drugs were my problem that I just wasn't like, Lucky. And I kept telling myself one more day, one more day, one more day, I could get better and better tomorrow. And that one more day never came in. Something happened. And you know, I had to go to prison. And these people stepped in and took those kids.

Kevin Donaldson:

Wait to the foster parents

Unknown:

home. Yeah. Now I went to prison for a while.

Kevin Donaldson:

So how many years?

Unknown:

Almost, if you rack up all my extraditions, my charges shipped, shipped to this state that county, their state that county, it was almost

Kevin Donaldson:

four years. So would you get hit for

Unknown:

so manufacturing, methamphetamine fleeing and eluding armed robbery possession of a firearm? I mean,

Kevin Donaldson:

you're not a real big Breaking Bad fan, are you? No, no, I don't blame you.

Unknown:

The few episodes I watched on that it's incredibly accurate. Really? Yes. It's very accurate.

Kevin Donaldson:

That's one of my favorite shows. Because watching that show, I'd never do math. That's that's the one thing I got out of watching that show.

Unknown:

And I wasn't even into math at the time I was making it. It was more of the pain pills. It was just something

Kevin Donaldson:

something to fuel your habit. Something.

Unknown:

I just thought it was cool. To be honest with you. I thought it was like cool. It was hidden. It gave me the thrill. I was really good at it. And I'm making money making money and like you gotta remember I'm going back to my roots from my dad now. And like my dad made crank but I got to a different level that he never got to with making it and that made me proud. And I felt like I had a connection. In the meantime my dad died from alcoholism. He was 46 Wow. Yes, so they took these babies I did my prison time I got out when I was released. I did prison time in Florida the state of New Jersey extradited me which is why I'm still here.

Kevin Donaldson:

That's how most people stay in New Jersey.

Mike Failace:

She got a free trip up here from Florida. Actually they made me pay for that.

Kevin Donaldson:

They did that and put you on a Greyhound did

Unknown:

no oh minivan was like shackles around my my waist.

Mike Failace:

Oh the comfortable ride. Oh, it was terrible. So usually when I was with Sheriff on we used to fly them up here going on Air Florida and fly them up.

Unknown:

Ya know, they drove me.

Kevin Donaldson:

So How bad did it get when you got out?

Unknown:

So when I got out I was expecting a parade. I was expecting this foster family to hand deliver me my children or maybe come invite me to live with them and be a mom. And none of that happened. None of it was based. Like I didn't have a realistic expectation. I thought I did my time. I just went through this horrible experience. And I wanted to be acknowledged for that. Plus you detox when you go into prison detox. Yeah. And I remember calling them and telling them I was released, and they said, We're just not comfortable with you haven't contact. Now, how

Mike Failace:

old are the kids at this point?

Unknown:

The kids had to be seven, around the age of seven.

Kevin Donaldson:

Looking back on that, do you see that as a blessing that you didn't have contact or curse?

Unknown:

I feel like I put them in a position to choose between enabling me or saving my kids. At the time, I felt like I was a victim. And it was a curse. Looking back now that I know they made the right choice. And I know it was incredibly hard for them to do.

Kevin Donaldson:

That's an incredibly lucid answer to that question. I had a feeling that you're correct. Answer it that way. It's crazy. Right? You know, almost keeping you from yourself. Yeah, in that manner. So where did you go from when you got out

Unknown:

the wonderful streets of Trenton? I felt real comfortable there. I loved it. I thought I made it. Hey,

Mike Failace:

look at me. I'm in the state capitol. How long were you on

Unknown:

the streets for probably six years.

Kevin Donaldson:

So from so for? The better part of you probably more than half your life you've been homeless? Yeah. Yeah. Like you save a lot on rent. No. I mean, there's there's always a silver lining. But that's that's incredible that you and you're not an unattractive woman living on the streets of one of the toughest cities in New Jersey. I

Unknown:

should have seen me then you know, like, you start off and like you look like a real street junkie I'm not at first I got out of prison has some weight on me felt like I look good. But then it's like your your drug variations increase your drug use increase what you do to get them drugs. I mean, nobody's in India, you know what girls on the street to do to get money like you start off at a certain level and then as your use and your looks decrease, the level drops. And then next thing you know, I wasn't like the people couchsurfing or sleeping in like the homeless shelter. I was like the person who would step over on the curb.

Kevin Donaldson:

So what dirty

Mike Failace:

and disheveled and

Unknown:

when I went to detox I just shaved my head. My hair was matted. I didn't brush it or wash it for a year they had to shave my head

Kevin Donaldson:

and there's not a whole lot of showering going on your hygiene the Oh my dear.

Mike Failace:

My head because I don't don't shower all that much. Like if I showered

Unknown:

I sober up. I wasn't gonna waste my

Kevin Donaldson:

that's I've never heard that before. But it makes perfect sense. Well, what do you do when somebody's when one of your friends is super drunk? You put them in the shower, try to wake them up.

Mike Failace:

I'm sure you wouldn't eat much either. Right? No, I

Unknown:

was at two pounds when I went to detox. And then also there's a certain level to like, like you do what you do with men for money while you're out there. But some some subconscious level like you don't want men to be attracted to you. So self care doesn't become important. I started picking my face, like and I didn't tie all that in together until later. But I think it all correlates. Well. What

Kevin Donaldson:

what when you were homeless? What was what drugs were you doing? Primarily heroin and crack. So I know that that's what that's a big thing with math. I don't know if you've ever seen that face as a math on line. And you these women look one way and then you just see the progression of it. It's really well, scabs. It's really sad. Yeah, very, very well. scabbed up

Mike Failace:

and everything's Oh,

Unknown:

yeah. I mean, I went in the psychosis and dug my muscle out of my leg. One time, the start of my life. I tell people now I got bit by a shark because I feel like it makes me look tough.

Kevin Donaldson:

That sounds cool. That sounds much cooler than that. Stick with that. Yeah. Come on where you are now. I don't know whether that's the shark attack such a better way to go.

Unknown:

Well, depends on the audience. You know, there's no sharks and

Kevin Donaldson:

there's plenty of sharks. It's just not the ones that just says one to one. But it's amazing that you know, looking the way you making trying to make yourself look unattractive, and men still do what men do in those areas in that God damn. I don't know. I don't know. It's a very foreign world

Mike Failace:

now. Like What year was

Unknown:

this? 2011 Maybe I was out there longer than I thought 2011 to meet I finally got sober in 2018.

Mike Failace:

So was the weed man down there back then? Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson:

I say that we mean by my neighborhood. Oh, yeah. All the time. He goes to that bagel store that we used to go. He used to

Mike Failace:

have a store down there. Yeah. And the weed man, the weed men's joint was

Kevin Donaldson:

the name of it. It's all over the side of his car. Yeah, but we wasn't what you were doing and what changed? Like what snapped you out of it. Because you don't go where you've been. And then one day say I'm over. I'm done.

Unknown:

So I did have infrequent contact. last complaint. contact with my sister all the years I was out there, she thought I was dead. She did not know where I was no communication, I did have infrequent contact with my mother. And she ended up while I was in the depths of like the worst died when she committed suicide. And I would like to say that's when I got sober. And like the way she did it was was very enlightening to me. She liked to slit her wrists, took a bunch of pills, changed her mind, went to try to go walk out and get help. And she fell down and aspirated on her own vomit. And that's not so much that got me sober. But that was the last contact I had with another human being that knew where I was and what I was doing out there. So I just remember being in like this abandoned house one day, trying to do what I do in my neck, by candlelight, and a little sliver of a mirror. And that's where you would shoot in your neck and my neck. And I got a glimpse of my eyes in this little sliver. And it's not how bad I looked. Because I didn't think I look bad. I didn't know. It was that I see nothing. Looking back. I had no soul, no purpose, no nothing right through yourself looking right through yourself. And I realized that if I were to die out there, there'd be nobody to even clean my body. Nobody would even know I was missing. Nobody knew where I was what I was doing for many, many years. I was written off for dead a long time ago. Like you said,

Mike Failace:

your sister thought you were dead anyway, right? Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson:

That's gonna be a weird feeling. Just your faceless your nameless. Your soulless Jane Doe.

Unknown:

Yeah. Very lonely feeling. But that's almost what I was seeking. out there. I was taught and preconditioned, like through my childhood, don't stand out. Don't let nobody see you, you have to remain invisible. Like you have to. And then there was this nonprofit. And they used to go around, and like help you get into treatment. And this one founder is called heroin kills New Jersey. And he I was in contact with him for years. And like he would drive up and down the streets. And he would see me and I would be like, Oh, I'll call you tomorrow. I'm good. And like he knew he never confronted me on anything I was doing. It's a faith based organization. And I thought these people were just trying to earn their way into heaven, at the expense of my soul. And and then one day, like, I don't remember why how or when. I mean, I had plenty of stuff that feel well, and usually that's not when people reach reach that port when they run out. Yes, when they run out, I had plenty of stuff to fear well, and I just couldn't take it anymore. And I remembered their phone number. And I called them and they were there within 15 minutes to pick me up and take me to detox. And I go to detox. I don't how to live. I didn't really like withdrawal too many times. Like I was able to like stay doing what I was doing and no idea what the future would look like. No family still not in contact with anybody didn't know any phone numbers didn't know anything. You had to relearn everything everything. And these people showed up and they visited me every visitation day. Every visitation day they found halfway house put me through a halfway house came on Family Day. Like I still have the towels this lady Diane who was like my mother now. Like, I just love her and I would not be here if it wasn't for without like wasn't for her. Always believing me she brought me these towels and wrote my little name on the tag and I still have

Kevin Donaldson:

that's the reminders reminder of where when do you keep any other reminders of your time in the depths?

Unknown:

So not I mean, I had things like my name tag, but when I checked in to detox the only thing I own for some reason in my psychosis was this broken mop bucket. And I carried this thing around with me I have no idea why but like I had an attachment and like I remember signing out and then giving me my Macbook and I was like what is this like Is this a joke? It was broken mop bucket there were

Kevin Donaldson:

there were maybe something there's something to be said maybe your soul was in that bucket and you're trying to put it back in Yeah,

Mike Failace:

yeah. Did you Oh, data.

Unknown:

Oh, plenty of time.

Kevin Donaldson:

It's like how Stacy just did God. Oh, yeah. Plenty times. Yeah, sure.

Mike Failace:

Narcan and going to the hospital all that or

Unknown:

Narcan being taken to the hospital waking up in the hospital, them shuffling Yeah, the hospital. They cut off my clothes. So I would shuffle down the street and like a hospital gown, find clothes on the side of the road, put them on. I had trouble identifying like letters and numbers when I first got sober like I could see I knew what it was in my head. But I had trouble making my mouth say it. And I mean, I have to assume it was a result of so many overdoses.

Kevin Donaldson:

I don't know about you, Mike, but I'm assuming it's the same Narcan for police came out after I retired. But everybody tells me that when somebody gets a dose of Narcan up their nose, they wake up and they're super pissed because you took away their high.

Unknown:

Oh, it's the worst. It rips the opiate off the receptor sites in the brain. So not only are you not high but you're sick you're in full blown withdrawal. Oh yeah.

Mike Failace:

Especially from heroin they say that's the worst the worst

Kevin Donaldson:

it you know there's there's your life but you're in a lot of pain

Unknown:

you're in a lot of pain and like doing what I did there make money it's not like I could just go and buy more stuff there was things that had to transpire and take place in order in order for me to get what I needed that were real hard to do sick

Kevin Donaldson:

so you get clean and sober you're looking at life through these different eyes. What was the first thing when you got finally got sober? What was the first thing you noticed about life?

Unknown:

I first thing I noticed was I didn't know anything about anything. And I felt light years behind everybody else. But what I knew when I I mean, being in the halfway house before I was even out on my own and sober living. I knew I wanted to help other people. And I knew, I didn't know you could go to detox. And like the state would pay for treatment. I always felt like rehab was for people who had families that loved them and would take them there. I didn't know that was available to me. So I would literally go out from the halfway house back to the same corner I got off of and try to get these girls out and be like, I know a way I know a way. So I knew that I had it on my heart to just help other people.

Kevin Donaldson:

And now, that's your new life.

Unknown:

And now that's my new life. I'm a counselor at a detox facility. Give out the name of the detox because their instant detox and Recovery Center, the Princeton house, not Princeton house. That's

Kevin Donaldson:

where I went to rehab just to say this, that's a Princeton house. No more bougie than Princeton, Princeton house where there was nothing bougie about Princeton house it was it was about not not my favorite place in the world, but it's sobered me up because I don't do well. in confined spaces. Yeah, so

Unknown:

that brings me to like, The Guardian Recovery Network is who I work for Guardian IOP guardian. IOP they have places in Florida and Colorado. They have places everywhere New Hampshire.

Kevin Donaldson:

See we know so Wyoming. Stewart here Chela introduce me to Stacy Stacy and I know sto sto he has really begun to Guardian IOP especially in Hoboken. He's he's just one of the favorite sons of Hoboken. And I couldn't be more thrilled that he introduced us. Because what I think once you've gone through where you are now, you went through hell, like you really went through absolute hell some stuff.

Mike Failace:

I mean, automatic, like movie like, yeah, and you're not even

Kevin Donaldson:

letting like, you're not even telling like the full dirt. Like the grab of it. I know, you're leaving some stuff out purposely. But damn, like, damn. And now, when somebody's checking account gets a little too low. Guess what Stacey did, Stacy did it, you can do it too. You can do it too. And I think that's your power. So the cool thing now is all that stuff that you went through, where you used to try to hide all that stuff from people, and you never let them know what abuse you went through. Now, what's your power? Would you agree with that?

Unknown:

Absolutely. And like, what, where I work, I'm gonna feel like I found my purpose through all of this. I work at a place where like, I still get intimidated, like, I'm lightyears beyond, I mean, behind other people, and I come into this place. And they see that I care. And they invest in me, they invest in my education, they invest in my future. And like, I get to sit across people every day, in a detox at their point of surrender. And their eyes are at their shoes, and they're sick, and they're detoxing. And I could share just a little bit with them. And when you see their eyes lift up off the floor, it's the most amazing Well, you've been there. I've been there I was

Mike Failace:

gonna say it's a Been there done that thing. And it's perfect for her because you know, attractive woman, she's very, you know, dresses well, and everything. And you could get into those women that are on the street now. And say, I wish you one day. Look, look. not look at me now. But look where I am now. Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson:

Now, is there ever a time you're around all these people with an addiction problem? Is there ever a time where your old life starts creeping in the back of your head? And how do you fight that off?

Unknown:

I have never been triggered when I've been in the process of helping another person ever,

Kevin Donaldson:

because that's a big problem. When in any type of thing. Even when Mike and I help, say an officer in shooting, there's certain things in there that do get me.

Unknown:

I mean, I feel like I've been very lucky with all of that. Like when I decided to get sober. I was like, Okay, so we're doing this now. So I started therapy. I started exploring my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual growth. It's a daily thing. You know, I'm active in AAA, I go to AAA, I've worked the 12 steps. And like, it's stuff that I have to do every day to be okay. But I know to do them and I've seen way too many times of people going back and now it's almost like I've built this life. Right? I have a career. You don't want to ruin it. I mean, I'll give you a quick rundown of my felonies. You know what I mean? I have a career with a company that respects me and invest in me and like they share the same goal when it comes to like client cares I have. I have a husband, the first honest relationship, he taught me how to love and allow myself to be loved. Unconditionally. what's what,

Kevin Donaldson:

what was that comment? I'm assuming your husband knows all of this. If he doesn't, he will now

Mike Failace:

in a couple of weeks, yeah.

Kevin Donaldson:

So what what was that conversation like with this man that enters your life? Probably mistrustful because your relationships with men probably haven't been really upstanding. What was that? Like when you first let this go with him?

Unknown:

So he never pushed me. He never questioned me. He I met him in a same lifestyle. So like, he would hear me tell my story. Like he knows what it is. But we never discussed things privately until I was ready. And he never pushed me. And I mean, the hard part is I still have an instinct to cut and run. So like, I've been hyper vigilant. Oh, what do you mean, you drink my water, you don't respect me, like, you know, and he's a very patient, man, thank goodness. And, you know, he just honors my process. And he lets me do what I need to do. But he's also like, one of the few people you know, I'm kind of rough around the edges, with with my people skills because of how I grown up. He's one of the people that could come to me and tell me like, you know, you get locked out of control with your tongue. Watch yourself. Yeah, watch yourself. And I'll listen.

Kevin Donaldson:

Now give the name of this of your of your network, please, again, because they're, they do some wonderful work. And I want to give them all the props that we can give them. So why don't you give out some plugs,

Unknown:

Guardian Recovery Network, they have. I mean, in my opinion, the best detox in New Jersey Princeton detox and Recovery Center, excellent family support every step of the way, the family is included in the process. Our goal, nobody leaves our facility without an aftercare plan in place, we start day one point of intake planning their aftercare, we don't just say, oh, you know what, like, you want to go home, go home, like we do our very best to support the family all along the way, and the client and refer them out and like find a facility for them to transfer to that will meet their needs accordingly, whatever that looks like.

Kevin Donaldson:

So Stacy, we're coming to the end here. That some of the stuff that you you talked about has scared the shit out of me. But it's also inspired me. And that's kind of a the concept of our show. It's darkness can inspire. Especially when you start seeing the light of all the suffering that you've gone through. What do you think it's taught you?

Unknown:

So nothing is given in this world. But there's a lesson in everything. And pain can be beautiful to pain is absolutely beautiful. I'm like attached to my pain somewhat, because I think that's what makes me effective at my job. But I also think that pain is what makes me grateful every day. It makes you who you are today, it

Mike Failace:

makes me who I am. Today. One quick question. And I don't want to prolong this, but your sons and the former foster parents, their relationship with them.

Unknown:

So one of them found me last year. And just a quick message on Facebook said, I don't really want to know what happened. I just want to know who you are. And I went down. And you know, I got to meet this kid. And like I didn't know in my head is this little tiny boy. And like this man walks in the room. But it was the most familiar stranger I've ever seen. He had a cowlick in the same spot, and a mole in the same spot. And I didn't question why. You know, he was the only one ready. And then a few months later, I reached out to the foster mom and asked if I could take her to lunch, and I drove back down to Florida, and took her to lunch. And all these years, she thought that I was mad at her. And we just hugged and we cried. And she said she was sorry. And I said I'm sorry. But like life's not a Lifetime movie. So there's not like this big reunification or any of that, like I text her I stay in as much communication as I can. But those are her kids for every intent and purpose. And I would never want to overstep any boundaries, that they're not comfortable. She never asked me for a dime. They never asked me. They knew I wasn't in a position to pay but I'm just very grateful for what they did. You did

Kevin Donaldson:

give them so you did fulfill your promise to those little babies. You didn't get you did give them what you didn't have, which is a whole Stacey, thank you so much for coming in and baring your soul in this one. This is Rob. That's gonna do it for this episode of the suffering podcast. And as always, let's think about all the stuff that we learned. Children only know love, not addiction. Generational curses are real. It's amazing what you can get used to. We all live by our examples. Pain can sometimes be beautiful, but most importantly And I want to say most importantly out of the chaos comm Stacey Ellis that's going to do it for this episode. Don't forget you can listen every week before you watch all of our audio episodes come out on Sunday. Don't forget to go to three acres luxury condominiums in Jersey City go to three acres jc.com And also if you'd like your own digital business card, go to paypal.com. put in tsp 20 for a nice 20% discount. Of course follow us on all social media tick tock LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, share on Twitter. Follow Mike at Mike underscore Falaise. Follow me real Kevin Donaldson and of course, follow the suffering podcast and we're gonna see on the next episode.