Episode 92: The Suffering of Sobriety

The road to sobriety has been a 30 year journey for Tom Schmittler.  That road has been filled with many turns in potholes but somehow Schmitty was able to functionally navigate the path while still abusing alcohol at a level most would see as insane.  Knocking on the devil’s door long enough will eventually call him to answer.  A crash is inevitable when you continue down the road at excessive speeds and that’s what happened to Schmitty.  After hitting bottom Schmitty was given the gift of sobriety and now sees the world to different eyes.  

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Transcript

Kevin Donaldson: 0:00

This is gonna hurt. It's time for the suffering. When we were entangled in the grips of evil, escape feels like an illusion. That monster is always one step ahead of us, as if it knows our every move. The fear is very real, and hope is in short supply. The fight for freedom from addiction is like being stuck in quicksand. The harder you struggle, the tighter its grip. You try to remain still so that the situation doesn't get any worse. But by doing nothing, you're still getting consumed only at a slower pace. Those watching this may be unaware that you're slowly dying. That would show up in a second. If only they knew you were in danger. The moment you ask for a lifeline. Many hands are there to pull you from the depths of certain death. I'm Kevin Donaldson here with Mike Felice and on this episode of the suffering podcasts we sit down with our dear friend, Tom smuggler to talk about the suffering of sobriety. Tom's taking a long path into living a sober life commonly known as Schmidty Schmidty. So you're gonna hear us you're gonna hear us talk telecall you Schmidty everyday because she Mettler does not roll off my tongue. It's still better than than the last names would allow. I can't pronounce any of those things. Felice Schmidt lero was one of the one of the shows we were on. We're calling him fellatio or falacci or something. Yeah, it was it was bad. Before we get started, let's let's give a big shout out and a thank you to our marquee sponsor, that's Toyota of Hackensack go to Toyota hackensack.com. We buy our cars from there because they're one of the few people that we trust in the world. And we don't trust too many people. So go to Toyota of hackensack.com and let them find you a

Mike Failace: 1:38

car. And when you're driving home in your new Toyota, we have

Kevin Donaldson: 1:42

a brand new sponsor and that's frontline cigars frontline is I just want everybody no frontline is one word is one word because that's an inside joke between Steve, one of the owners and I it's started by two police officers one's a 15 year veteran, one's a 30 year veteran, their Chicago based even though they're Patriots fans, which I don't understand. I just don't get it. But they're all confused out there. But they did something special for our listeners. So if you go to frontline cigars.com put in the code T sp, Tango Sierra Papa TSP, you'll get a 15% discount. How

Mike Failace: 2:12

about just say the suffering podcast? Or you could do that? Okay, geez, thanks. Not a problem.

Kevin Donaldson: 2:18

Very valuable part of this show.

Mike Failace: 2:20

I know. So many

Kevin Donaldson: 2:22

How you doing? Man? Doing good. Yeah, good

Tom Schmittler: 2:24

night. It's over today.

Mike Failace: 2:25

God bless you, man. That's great.

Kevin Donaldson: 2:26

I gotta tell you it was it was a thing of joy. Seeing you walk up the alley into the studio. And you got just don't even a step away. You're walking away. You're walking, used to come the group. And yeah, we know, we know. Schmidty from group and you know, heads hanging low. And you know, the occasional text here and there, then you go off the radar for so long. It was hard to

Mike Failace: 2:46

mention. Then the next section, we're all drunk and texts, a

Tom Schmittler: 2:51

lot of those go on around.

Kevin Donaldson: 2:53

Every week, we try to interact with our audience because Mike doesn't let you know Mike's too big for our audience, but I interact with our audience. Again, I take a question from them every week. This week's question comes from Danny. And it says, What is the worst pain you ever felt? And what I took this to mean it's not necessarily mean physical could be emotional pain, because my theory is emotional pain is always the worst. So what do you think many? A definitely emotional pain. Yeah. What's the worst one you ever experienced?

Tom Schmittler: 3:20

was recently back in June, I spent five days in the hospital. I was all jacked up on meds and shit. And I treated my fiance like shit. I had no recollection of it during the what was going on treated like shit. And when I came out of it, she told me what I've done what I did to her. And I felt like crap, I felt like the worst person in the world.

Kevin Donaldson: 3:42

We just had a whole Instagram live before the show about consequences. You know, there's consequences to every one of our actions. And when we're in that spot that you were in, you're not thinking clearly you're not thinking of your consequences.

Mike Failace: 3:53

No, I wasn't thinking to the wall. Don't think about the repercussions from how have you

Kevin Donaldson: 3:57

gone to repairing that relationship with your girlfriend,

Tom Schmittler: 4:00

just communication. Communication is key. Well, I'm working on it every day. And

Mike Failace: 4:05

a lot of gifts.

Tom Schmittler: 4:09

My birthday is coming up next month, so it should be a good gift.

Mike Failace: 4:13

You know, a Ruby rubas nicest time of year may just take it over Aruba. Spend your money for you. I got no problem with that.

Kevin Donaldson: 4:20

And it starts it starts with

Mike Failace: 4:23

three minutes in one fuck you.

Kevin Donaldson: 4:26

Mike, what do you think? What do you think the worst pain you've ever felt is aside from

Mike Failace: 4:29

coming up here once a week? Probably when my mom passed away? Yeah, yeah. You only have one mother, you know, and that was one of the roughest, roughest times that and going through retirement. Go Oh my god. We didn't you know, we didn't have that countdown to retirement.

Kevin Donaldson: 4:48

And we didn't have that walkout ceremony that I had

Mike Failace: 4:51

to throw out ceremony. I didn't even have that.

Tom Schmittler: 4:54

That's not even talking about

Mike Failace: 4:55

me. We'll get into it. I literally got thrown out. I He actually went back to my department for the first time. Last week. Really? I had such anxiety even pull him in there. I had to go make a police report. Oh, that's the thing. Yeah. And actually went back and it was, it was devastating to even go back there.

Kevin Donaldson: 5:14

Oh, wow. Some of the worst pain. It's always emotional pain. Yeah, you take physical pain, it sucks the first time you feel it. But if you feel it again, you're a little hardened to it. So it's not as bad emotional pain, I don't think ever goes away like you had something you can ever callus yourself to. For me, I say it all the time. It's the death of my grandfather. You know, that was the guy that taught me everything. They taught me everything is everything that I want to be. Now he died when I was 22. Had he lived longer. Maybe, you know, you hear that with kids all the time. They lose their parents real young. And you know, say say the person's 11 or 12 years old when they lose their dad. Well, they didn't go through those years where you're battling with your parents. So maybe if my grandfather would have lived longer, and I was a real asshole, as opposed to Michael remind you the small asshole that I am now. Maybe that relationship would have been different. Maybe maybe he would have seen me in a different light, or I would have seen him in a different light. But it's also my grandfather. You know, by the time I met him, he was a gentle man. And I know he wasn't that way when he was younger. You know, I never heard him curse. And um, he was a truck driver. So I'm sure he cursed. I think that has a lot to do with it. But that pain, I remember where I was what I felt. I couldn't talk. I thought I was dating a girl at the time I broke up with her because that's what you do. When you go through trauma. You just you want to push everybody else away because you don't want to be hurt no more.

Mike Failace: 6:38

And he started dating a guy. What's wrong with that? I remember floats your boat. What's wrong

Kevin Donaldson: 6:42

with it? Well, I'm not I just want I just want to put it on record. And he said that was a very bigoted statement.

Mike Failace: 6:48

Oh, no, I just said then you started dating a guy. It wasn't that big. I think it was more power to you.

Kevin Donaldson: 6:54

I think it was a jab. I mean, he was at a young age,

Mike Failace: 6:57

young and impressionable.

Kevin Donaldson: 6:59

So she maybe we know a lot about you. So tell our audience a little bit about yourself.

Tom Schmittler: 7:03

This 15 year veteran of the blue pill Police Department. Prior to that, I worked for the Hudson County Sheriff's Department. And I made it to Sergeant provisional acting. Did that for about a year and a half, two years. And I found a really bad drinking problem. I got me into a lot of trouble.

Mike Failace: 7:24

My name is Tom. down to one point Bentrik probably Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson: 7:28

But you had a you had a really storied career because you've been through some shit you you got run over twice, twice. Twice. Then you learn to move the fifth reverse one nah, actually stepped

Tom Schmittler: 7:39

into the second.

Mike Failace: 7:41

He had so much fun the first time.

Kevin Donaldson: 7:44

So and then you were you. You were in the shooting type

Tom Schmittler: 7:47

shooting 2006 Yeah. So I'd ever gotten a treatment for that, you know, that was back in the old days of I got hired to tell and and the talent of the good times. And the start of the shift started,

Kevin Donaldson: 8:03

which is what year do you get hired? 2001? The same year, same year as me. So there was yeah, there were good times in 2001. But you know, the 911 hit and even 911 for police officers wasn't that bad because we were we were friendlies that

Mike Failace: 8:17

were good people. Yeah. Everybody loved cops. After 911

Kevin Donaldson: 8:23

Now, you know when you are on? Did you did you socially drink Did you? You know, we're obviously here to talk about the suffering of sobriety.

Tom Schmittler: 8:31

I drank socially. I drank actively. I drank while working

Kevin Donaldson: 8:36

while working. I was there before you were police officer. Oh, yeah.

Tom Schmittler: 8:41

I was an alcoholic from my teenage years.

Kevin Donaldson: 8:45

What's what started like When was your first drink like 1414 blackberry brandy.

Mike Failace: 8:51

Now, windfarm strawberry

Tom Schmittler: 8:54

cannabid My father was like, Hey, go get me a beer out of the fridge. I was like I went to the fridge. Looked at some pocket let me crack it open. It took a sip and I said, Man, this is fucking cool. And they told my father knew the beer thing I got a dad

Mike Failace: 9:10

like drinking a lot.

Tom Schmittler: 9:12

Hey, my my big candle on the fucking wall.

Kevin Donaldson: 9:16

You know? So there's a funny story about that when I was about seven or eight years old, my dad and his friend were over it was Fourth of July. They went outside and we're drinking those Miller ponies. Remember those little ones? So I see them drinking beer. I'm young. I want to they left it there on the table and they went out on the front porch to go watch the fireworks. So I chug it like I chug the beer. And then I go and then I'm like shit. Well, there's an empty cat here. They're gonna know I did it. So I went and filled it up with water and seven you know knowing better and my dad's friend comes back and picks it up and drinks it he goes man, I got to stop drinking this stuff starts to taste like I squirting wonderful stuff.

Mike Failace: 9:51

And you're gonna say there was like a cigar button it never drank.

Kevin Donaldson: 9:56

But that's that's usually I think that's a that's a rite of passage for Father Son to sit down and have a beer with your kid. At what point did your father know what you were doing?

Tom Schmittler: 10:06

Well, funny story I turned 21 My father's like I take out my first beer. My father grew up in Jersey City so we happened car we go to church, the city. I went to marriage High School on the border baon city and go to the spa, we pull up oh my gosh, shit. I know exactly where we're going. He's been there for the last five years fucking been there in his marriage to uniform to walk in fucking white tenders fucking clean bottles and share. And because he Jackie genre his name was he's like turnarounds if he and Heydo and he goes out my son turned 21 last night and I'm afraid Spirit knows what the fuck he has become an engineer for the last four years.

Kevin Donaldson: 10:51

Well, oops, gigs up right there.

Tom Schmittler: 10:54

My apologies. I said if you're paying pain but it was pretty bad. I mean, I drank at work and it never caught on.

Kevin Donaldson: 11:05

This is before you work up.

Tom Schmittler: 11:08

Electrical union. Big, big drinker.

Kevin Donaldson: 11:12

It makes that field a

Tom Schmittler: 11:13

little less. You know,

Mike Failace: 11:14

I was in I was in a pipe fitters union. And it was like a rite of passage. Lunchtime going out? Yeah, as an apprentice, we we go out to lunch and we drink. Then the whole second half of it, you know, the whole afternoon? I'd have to go to different, you know, crews and say, Okay, what do you want? Just give us a 12 pack, run the store, grab a 12 pack, come back, give it to them. Have a drink with them? Go on to the next group. What do you want? Get us a case. Go get a case of beer, come back, have a beer with them. And you just want to drink it all day.

Kevin Donaldson: 11:43

So if you had to if you had to think back, you know, in hindsight, what do you think? Like, why was the drinking there? Like why did you start drinking? Was it something that was cool? Or did like you like the way you felt?

Tom Schmittler: 11:56

I think it was more of a family thing. My mother and father were big drinkers. So I think it was just the way I grew up. It was like, like Mike said, like a rite of passage. I was part of the family. We drank at holidays. We drank socially. I will go out I turned 21 My old man meaning for a beer.

Kevin Donaldson: 12:16

Maybe it's because your last name sounds like a beer. Yeah. German beer. That's what it is now, but you sit down have a smuggler? Miller Lite.

Tom Schmittler: 12:27

I don't know what it was. Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson: 12:28

And it was just beer. Was it anything

Tom Schmittler: 12:31

towards the tail end? Over the last two years? It was when a beer ran out as my head the whiskey and bourbon

Kevin Donaldson: 12:41

quicker quicker.

Tom Schmittler: 12:42

Yeah. You know,

Kevin Donaldson: 12:43

didn't you what do you do with hangovers?

Mike Failace: 12:45

Like start drinking again?

Kevin Donaldson: 12:47

I met you puked in rally would you do Hey, you could

Tom Schmittler: 12:50

pretty much and why not call it oh my god. You know, I mean I would sleep until 1231 o'clock in the afternoon. Wake up to clock the bar open go to the bar and to the fiance came home from work and file beater home I raced home from work made sure she wasn't there by the time I got home cleaned up a little bit

Mike Failace: 13:09

to put the sober face on. And then she's like, Hey,

Tom Schmittler: 13:12

let's go out tonight and I'm like

Kevin Donaldson: 13:17

well, it will be so then you become a cop. Is there any like portions in here that are that are sobriety filled? The Academy, the Academy, the academy, okay, and what do you think? What will you think that was? Why were you sober in the academy?

Tom Schmittler: 13:30

I wanted this job. Okay. You know, I did do logical thing. I loved it. But I really want to recap. So the six months or 26 weeks where it was, I didn't drink. I was married at the time to an Irish girl. Oh, that's that's

Mike Failace: 13:47

so she drank.

Tom Schmittler: 13:48

She drank for me. And

Kevin Donaldson: 13:50

coming here next week, we gotta go coming from Dublin.

Tom Schmittler: 13:54

So I wanted the job. So for that period of time in the academy, I didn't drink.

Mike Failace: 14:00

Really, I think I drank one time in the academy.

Kevin Donaldson: 14:03

i We used to go out when we got comfortable and easy. And two weeks ago to because I went to Essex County and we went to Hooters afterwards. Okay, and we sit down have a drink and some of the instructors would come in and see us all sitting around drinking and they had a problem with

Mike Failace: 14:16

it. You got you got in trouble that Monday. Yeah, we did. We are somewhat flat in front of the recruits fucked up at a bar and got right back to the insurance.

Kevin Donaldson: 14:23

We didn't care though. I mean, it's it was never I don't think that was ever a problem at that time. But so you get into the job. Like when did you start picking it up

Tom Schmittler: 14:34

again? Hanging out with the old timers.

Kevin Donaldson: 14:37

Yeah, they love the journey. And love to drink. You know, now that

Mike Failace: 14:42

we used to have it where I'm not gonna mention people's names, but we were in high school. We just hang out along the river Snake River. We'd put all our beer over the fence and we leave one six back on the table. Oh, that was for the cops. That's how backup cop would come every week. Take the six back say how many times I gotta tell you guys not to drink down here. But the six back in his car was gone. That was like the payoff. I told you guys not to drink down here.

Kevin Donaldson: 15:08

lease the lease. You gotta at least you were courteous. We paid them off. Yeah. By the time by the time I got on you couldn't do that stuff. Because they were watching you too much. Yeah,

Mike Failace: 15:18

I got a 96 and you couldn't do it? 96 either. Oh, really? So

Kevin Donaldson: 15:21

I mean, you know, times or times are a little different. Maybe a little worse for the wear. But you know how many of those those high school drinkers turned out to be alcoholics? I'd love to know that statistic on that. Well, no.

Mike Failace: 15:34

You know, cuz that was how many learn a lesson early and quit drinking right after that.

Kevin Donaldson: 15:37

I mean, how many times have you ever had that experience? Because I know I have. You drank so much. And you wake up in the morning. It's a nap.

Tom Schmittler: 15:43

I used to wake up in the middle of the night and go outside to check the car.

Mike Failace: 15:49

I picked up the window quite a few times you pull the shades over.

Tom Schmittler: 15:52

I mean, those troubled times that the car was parked in front bushes not found the wake up in the morning, like motherfucker. What did you do last time? Did

Mike Failace: 16:01

I parked the car like that? Or did you? Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson: 16:04

So did you do? At what point? Was it ever a problem for you? Like, was it Did you ever say Hey, Tom, I gotta slow down. No, never,

Tom Schmittler: 16:13

never proper I was I was function

Mike Failace: 16:16

functioning alcoholic? Well, you

Kevin Donaldson: 16:17

had a good job, making decent money and

Mike Failace: 16:19

a great job. And that's how people accepted. You know, like, I can't be an alcoholic. I still got a great job. You know.

Kevin Donaldson: 16:25

So, my friend. 14 seconds to that book over this gentleman's name is Charlie suffer ally, Charlie has been sober off of narcotics for 30 some odd years. He's been sober off alcohol for 20, I think 27 years. And he tells me that the true alcoholic is usually ultra successful. You know, especially if you're the life of a party guy. Nobody wants you to change. And you're you surround yourself with enablers and you're you do a good job at work. So your job gives you leeway. Like I'm sure your Job knew you were you were drinking. I'm sure they

Mike Failace: 17:00

knew pop. As long as it wasn't getting in the way with the job, you would probably

Kevin Donaldson: 17:03

be doing a decent job. And they said, You know what? We'll give them this one. We'll give them this one. So you

Mike Failace: 17:07

know, you don't we've done on our last midnight in a couple of surrounding towns, we'd work the same schedule. So our last midnight and was there last night. There was a bar that opened at seven o'clock in the morning. And we'd get off at seven o'clock. We'd call the surrounding towns and say hey, listen, you know, or last night and why don't we go meet at the bar, we'd be at the bar drinking at seven o'clock and wow. Now you're getting off work. So it's like after work do Yeah, but you see guys in suits, sitting there at the bar, having a beer and a shot watching their watch because they know exactly what time the train comes in. Like, yeah, I got time for one more they do the shot. All of a sudden a train would come in like two minutes in two places right next to train tracks. Do that last shot? Certain time they'd run right out the door jump on a train and go to work. Mickey's? No, I'm not gonna give up the name of the place.

Kevin Donaldson: 17:58

Because it probably still drink in there. Yeah, exactly. So how bad How much would you drink? Like on a normal day

Tom Schmittler: 18:04

taught back? Alright, a little bit more maybe

Kevin Donaldson: 18:08

can be sometimes

Mike Failace: 18:09

all dependent on the weather. You know? Depends if I went to the

Tom Schmittler: 18:11

bar that afternoon and that

Kevin Donaldson: 18:13

was it. Was it like a pice drunk situation or were you functional? Functional? Yeah. I mean, did you ever did you ever let loose sometimes and just go for it? Yeah,

Tom Schmittler: 18:21

absolutely. I do. One. The last one was nevertheless one. Yeah, I mean, there was times that my fiance would have to come to the bar and drag me out. I was in Bayonne, one time she damaged junk tech texter or whatever. She left a pic probably knows how to the town nuts, you know, but she left work for him. Paul drove the baon yanked me out of the bar.

Kevin Donaldson: 18:54

What about funding like financing, it's gonna cost you a fortune.

Tom Schmittler: 18:57

I was. I mean, I was living off the inheritance from our parents. So that's

Kevin Donaldson: 19:02

bad. That's bad. You know, my father used to tell me this when my my grandfather's brothers, they all drank I mean, they drank. So my uncle John, my Aunt Josephine used to call my father to go down to the bar to get my uncle John, because if he didn't do that, he was going to drink his whole paycheck away. Right? I mean, that's that's true alcoholism, where you just don't care. But you never had that problem. So again, you're falling into that functional category. You

Mike Failace: 19:31

know, when I was in construction, we was working in Bayonne and there was a bar that used to cash our checks for us. So you'd go in there and you take $1 and whatever change you have cash your check and you'd sit there with a ton of fucking money in your hands and drink all through lunch and then you go back to the bar after lunch. Yeah, that's so many guys spent like their whole paycheck and that day, and we were making big money back then.

Kevin Donaldson: 19:53

That's a shame though. You go along, you get this police job. You're You're dabbling a little bit at work. Who was the first person that came up to you and said, Hey, man, you might want to slow it down. Somebody had to come to you and say, Hey, bro, what are you doing?

Tom Schmittler: 20:07

Definitely. Doc Stefanelli doc stuff.

Kevin Donaldson: 20:10

How long? How long ago was that? You've been going the doc that long. I'm gonna

Tom Schmittler: 20:13

go on doc stuff since 2014.

Kevin Donaldson: 20:18

He was like, What the fuck are you doing? What do you fucking do?

Mike Failace: 20:23

to trick me? You got to stop the drinking?

Kevin Donaldson: 20:25

Well, every once in a while before you before you cleaned up. Doc would you don't know this? But Doc would put out a text to the rest of us and say, Hey, I'm worried about money. I'm worried about

Mike Failace: 20:34

him. See, I don't mean I don't even know if you know about that. We almost had an intervention. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I believe is your wife or your fiance called Dr. Stephen. So I can't control him anymore. You know, he's in a barn in baon. And, you know, he's, he's not coming home. So we were about to have we're gonna go up to your house one day, right? We were on our way to Franklin. We're on our way up to your house to go have like an intervention with you, I believe and then your fiance put the kibosh on that and I don't know whatever happened with it.

Kevin Donaldson: 21:01

When did it start ruining some relationships though?

Tom Schmittler: 21:05

Probably two years, two years ago,

Kevin Donaldson: 21:08

two years ago, she started to fucking have a problem. Well, you said you were married before I was married before I'm married for 10 years now that that did was it when did that dissolve because of alcohol?

Tom Schmittler: 21:17

No that dissolve because I fucking affair

Mike Failace: 21:22

which were brought on buddy alcohol. That'll do it.

Kevin Donaldson: 21:26

A better place to meet women in a bar. Yeah, so

Tom Schmittler: 21:29

stick my addiction.

Mike Failace: 21:31

And it wasn't in a beer bottle.

Kevin Donaldson: 21:35

It's maybe it's refreshing to hear somebody owning it's really is what happened with the police because something happened with the police. I'm not 100% Sure.

Tom Schmittler: 21:45

I after I got hit by the first car.

Mike Failace: 21:50

Let's let's put it on incident number two.

Tom Schmittler: 21:54

Yeah, yeah, that was 2012 he was drunk and

Mike Failace: 21:59

couldn't get out of the way.

Kevin Donaldson: 22:01

It's not a bowl.

Tom Schmittler: 22:05

That's when the whole PTSD came along.

Kevin Donaldson: 22:09

Do you think that was because of the shooting?

Mike Failace: 22:10

I think it reared its ugly head again.

Tom Schmittler: 22:12

It Yeah, it definitely made it sort of before I started having flashbacks. And the drinking took a dive started hitting the ball really hard. And

Kevin Donaldson: 22:25

you had to probably drink extra because you were numb half the time.

Tom Schmittler: 22:29

Yeah, those two years 2012 to 2014. I was really, really bad out of control. And Christine was like you to help.

Kevin Donaldson: 22:39

You know, Christina is your fiancee, my

Tom Schmittler: 22:41

fiancee, okay. She was like she was doing Alzheimer's repair where it's all this put something

Kevin Donaldson: 22:51

committed, still committed.

Tom Schmittler: 22:52

So she like you need help. So I was looking around looking around looking around and I found Dr. Staff do to PBA and I started seeing him 2014 And he's like, You need help. You need help. And I got diagnosed with PTSD. And

Kevin Donaldson: 23:10

I remember when we when we were in group together. I was trying to beg you, bro, you gotta go. You gotta retire. Man. You can't do this. No, I was trying. I

Mike Failace: 23:19

think that's just when I got in. Yeah. But what did we do after Dr. Stuff meetings though? We drank we went out we had a couple of drinks.

Kevin Donaldson: 23:26

So Smitty, Smitty, you were there from the very beginning with like Andy and Todd and all those guys, right? Yeah. And I started a Jose and Jose burrito. Yeah. Original galley original guys. Yeah,

Mike Failace: 23:39

I started off at the I would imagine the end of 2014. Right. These

Kevin Donaldson: 23:42

guys were talking about here. I think it already moved on. Yeah. And there was a Asian guy too. I can't remember. He was when Passaic St. Passaic. Yeah, a couple of those newer guys. They came in afterwards.

Tom Schmittler: 23:53

Second round of Miss. That's

Kevin Donaldson: 23:57

the first one. The first one was pretty bad. But the first one did you did you come down to Piscataway with us that one time? No, we because that was the first time I always say that group was the first time I felt normal again, we were out together of course, we were drinking. And we sat at a we sat at a table outside at this restaurant. And there's still picture of us to this day of the original group. And that's why I'm trying to think whether you were there or not. And Pete there, him and Pete. So that was the first time I felt normal being around anybody. And even if we were drinking, even if we were unhealthy behavior, at least we trusted each other. Because that's what that's what that brain injury does to you.

Mike Failace: 24:35

That's the whole thing with post traumatic stress. And what group did for us is we got a bunch of like minded, dented people, put them all together in a room and we could talk to each other, you know, with with PTSD, you can't talk to just anybody.

Kevin Donaldson: 24:48

So you start going this downward spiral with your job, because it was it was starting when I met you first, which was downspout 2013 that I met you

Tom Schmittler: 24:58

I started knocking Given the FOC call not sick, use my vacation time, burn sick time started putting our strict and heavily at work. Nobody got us to question like, did anybody realize how strict in the work? Probably, but nobody confronted me till the talent my career.

Kevin Donaldson: 25:20

And once they confronted you what happened is like he needed to go to

Tom Schmittler: 25:23

rehab, he wasn't going to rehab open the fire. So

Kevin Donaldson: 25:28

what was your reaction to that?

Tom Schmittler: 25:29

I say fuck you. I'm not going to rehab all this. There's a middle story and

Mike Failace: 25:36

now might be the time for the screen.

Kevin Donaldson: 25:39

That's why I'm saying you made some you made some comments to some other officers.

Tom Schmittler: 25:43

Yeah, those those dudes really one IA guy.

Mike Failace: 25:49

There's always that one IA guy. Know what?

Tom Schmittler: 25:54

It was pretty cool in the beginning. He was. I'll give it to him. He was a good cop. He was a good sergeant. But then there was a political change in town. And he played He went that route.

Kevin Donaldson: 26:06

Yeah, there was you had some serious political problems in that department. So we went

Tom Schmittler: 26:10

from the chief to director and he saw this happen to direct his deck.

Mike Failace: 26:16

Here's what happens.

Kevin Donaldson: 26:18

That's not the political term for it. But your I know, it's a little boy shell. It's a law enforcement term. He was supervisory fellating.

Tom Schmittler: 26:25

Yeah. So it gets put up with the IA and he starts going after guys. And for some reason, I thought I was cool. What, um, I hit his radar at a couple of car accidents, drinking on the job, probably related.

Mike Failace: 26:41

Probably.

Tom Schmittler: 26:44

So he suspended me a couple of times for nonsense, you know, very to do DMS training.

Kevin Donaldson: 26:55

DMS training, what

Mike Failace: 26:56

is that? Probably after you That's after that came on? Yeah, online

Tom Schmittler: 27:01

training. Okay, instead of going and sitting into conference room for training, you did it on a computer.

Mike Failace: 27:06

But you know, it's funny those think those DMS powered DMS or your skull. In our DMS they used to have to sit there for like an hour and watch this thing. Then he talked about how production was down. Right? You guys aren't going out writing enough ticket Genet because I'm sitting here for two hours a shift reading this power DMS shit.

Kevin Donaldson: 27:22

So you, you go off the rails, I went off the rails bad you went off the rails. And to prove we actually have something for you to show our audience how bad you went off the rails Drew, you got that thing I sent you. We went off the rails. You went off the rails so bad worse. You know, there's very few cops in the world that go off the rails as bad as you narrow it is. So let me explain a little bit

Mike Failace: 27:48

is a track color.

Kevin Donaldson: 27:49

So this is what's called a track alert. You'll hear them on TV shows is like a bolo given out it's sent out to all the different departments and just kind of like this one is for an officer safety. It's a threat alert. Because you had made some comments to some people that you were might have hurt hurt them.

Tom Schmittler: 28:08

I made a comment to I was that's that all came out of a fit for duty exam.

Kevin Donaldson: 28:14

Do you go to Oakland, I went down to

Tom Schmittler: 28:16

Morristown to this fucking bitch. I guess.

Kevin Donaldson: 28:24

Tell us what you really think.

Tom Schmittler: 28:25

I was I was drunk while on her 50 duty. And she asked me you know a bunch of questions and how I feel I'll be treated at the department. I said what fucking This is motherfucking internal affairs. All I want to do is fight and kill. I had the chance I'd fucking kill. And then the exam went on. She thanked me for my time I left I drove down to Bloomfield got a sandwich if I can be a lot these diner deli or whatever you want to call it drove home. Fucking midnight. Knock on my fucking door at a cops at my door from three different town because it is because of this. I had no idea that went out. Really.

Mike Failace: 29:11

Any officer comes in contact with the above individual. Please use caution. And the funny

Kevin Donaldson: 29:15

thing is you didn't know that came out but we knew that came many. But this is this is a good example. Look at the picture.

Tom Schmittler: 29:27

That picture is bad. That is a bad picture.

Kevin Donaldson: 29:29

You look like the head version of Artie Lange. So this is this I wanted to bring this up for a very it's not to embarrass you it's it's to show everybody how bad this disease is. How bad how far down the rabbit hole you can go. You were this functioning guy you were good cop. You've been through all these different things. And this is where it Where's Yeah, this is where it ended up. Yeah. Now, after this. Where did it go?

Tom Schmittler: 29:58

I had to copy at my door midnight, they wanted all my guns. They said you need to go to the hospital. I was like, I ain't gonna divide. You gotta go. Okay, my fiancee. She's like, I'm a cop. I know the drill.

Kevin Donaldson: 30:16

She's probably at wit's end. She doesn't know what to do. Can dogs barking? Well, she doesn't know what to do with you. Because you're a mess,

Tom Schmittler: 30:23

right? Yeah, probably. Yeah. So I was like, You know what, fuck it. I'll go I kid then

Mike Failace: 30:30

where they want to go for like a voluntary commitment. Yeah.

Tom Schmittler: 30:32

So I went went, went to fucking dirt and sat in a room of hospitals

Kevin Donaldson: 30:38

all the way up there. Yeah.

Mike Failace: 30:40

A little farmhouse. Yeah,

Tom Schmittler: 30:42

you got one doctor.

Kevin Donaldson: 30:44

Doctors just John. He's also doubles as the veterinarian

Mike Failace: 30:49

and the pharmacist and the mailman.

Tom Schmittler: 30:53

So I'm speaking to these doctors now look at a bunch of fucking paperwork from the district for duty doctor that I don't know what you brought up, but definitely drew it. And you're like, you need to be committed. That's what I did. We submitted for Psych. Yeah. So they sent me down to this place called Keratoconic. I spent eight days and was it

Kevin Donaldson: 31:15

low? Is carrier clinical rehab facility.

Tom Schmittler: 31:17

No is

Kevin Donaldson: 31:18

a psych facility. The never even worse because I've been in

Tom Schmittler: 31:21

that sort of psych facility I've done for eight days. And I'm calling doc staff every day. There's people don't fit in crayons.

Mike Failace: 31:34

And crayons, stuffing them up there. No.

Tom Schmittler: 31:37

I was like, you gotta get me out of here. So my PBA president when he stepped out to come down with my with the PBA attorney, and no like his deal to go to rehab. They won't press any charges against you.

Kevin Donaldson: 31:51

Got it got you now.

Tom Schmittler: 31:54

They won't fire you if you walk away. No issues. No, nothing sounds like fuck you. I gotta go. See only out

Kevin Donaldson: 32:06

sounds like you had no more cards to play.

Tom Schmittler: 32:08

I was done. My money was gone. And No more bets on the table. I was like, fuck it. I'll go. So it's happened to Florida House and

Kevin Donaldson: 32:20

Yeah, down to Florida. I was very resistant to go on the Florida House spend

Tom Schmittler: 32:24

90 days down. I know what and I didn't do the program. I fucking treat it like a vacation.

Mike Failace: 32:30

Just you couldn't wait to get out to get your next year I

Tom Schmittler: 32:33

came home dad came home on St. Patty's Day. Does my release date?

Kevin Donaldson: 32:39

Oh my gosh. Poor

Mike Failace: 32:41

timing on there.

Kevin Donaldson: 32:43

You did you go in there drunk.

Tom Schmittler: 32:45

Now sober when you were sober. When I was in carrier clinics. I couldn't drink.

Kevin Donaldson: 32:49

Oh, man. Now what was what was your result? If you had to pinpoint something about your resistance to work in the program? What do you think it would be? You just weren't ready?

Tom Schmittler: 33:01

I didn't think I had a problem. I really think up until

Kevin Donaldson: 33:05

really, really that

Tom Schmittler: 33:07

guy. That guy was function. That guy right there was a function alcohol

Kevin Donaldson: 33:16

when I heard about this knowing you and what your when this come out? Is there a

Mike Failace: 33:20

September? No. January 17 2018. So I had

Kevin Donaldson: 33:25

known you for about, say five and a half years at this point, right? I had never I was so surprised at this. I'm like, Schmidty there's no way there's no way that this is true.

Mike Failace: 33:36

To be honest with you. When it came out. I didn't recognize a face. And then I read the name only how many Thomas Schmidt was are there?

Kevin Donaldson: 33:43

I don't know. Man. That looks like somebody that just 850 dicks right after he killed somebody. But I was so shocked because every time I've had contact with you every single time you had been calm, subdued. You probably drunk yeah. But you were never excitable ever and for you to get this excited over something. I'm like, Oh my gosh. What happened? Snapped Yeah,

Mike Failace: 34:09

well that's that's when you see the end coming. You know when you when you when you realize Holy shit, I'm caught. Yeah, then you go into defense mode.

Kevin Donaldson: 34:17

Now there's no way right you can't lie to anybody because you're the world champion at liars at this point a liar this point.

Tom Schmittler: 34:23

Oh, yeah. They actually call me a liar and a tunnel a fez. Interviewed and lay your line we got we got Ilan. Got you. Okay, that's right. We know Don't you know why? He's headed to a doctor. You're done.

Kevin Donaldson: 34:40

I remember doc stuff saying to me about you specifically. If you don't get some help, or you don't retire, you're going to be fired. Right? That's what he said. He said that way before this. And so you go down the Florida House, you don't work the program. You're not ready. You come back and you just start tying it on.

Tom Schmittler: 34:59

I want to write back to drinking. Yeah. And it probably was worse. Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson: 35:03

Yeah. At what point? What what happened between your separation with the police department? You just not for you or they, they don't want you to know more.

Tom Schmittler: 35:13

They don't want me no more. They were fucking down. Yeah. Well, you know, second chance,

Kevin Donaldson: 35:18

no kid, and how many years you had the pension system at this time? 15. So what what? Do you get something

Tom Schmittler: 35:25

I got? I got my money out of the pension. Okay. You know, your contribution, my contribution? Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson: 35:31

But it's not the way you wanted to go out.

Tom Schmittler: 35:32

No. Yeah, a lot. I got I thought I had friends there. Yeah. Yeah. Don't hear from anybody.

Kevin Donaldson: 35:39

So let me ask you this question. Because I've seen this where we try to help somebody get to get to the right facility, get to the right help. And they become so resistant, that at some point, they have to go, I can't do this no more because you're drowning, and you're going to drown me with you. You think that's what happened to him? Are they really where they were? They're trying their best. And they just didn't know what to do sort of give up out of frustration?

Mike Failace: 36:05

Yeah, probably. Could that could be another thing too. Shit rolls up hill. So if his supervisor knew he was fucking up, then supervisor can get in trouble too. If their supervisor,

Tom Schmittler: 36:14

supervisor take a hit for me. You know, I had one. I wanted them to write me up. And they said, Hey, I'm not writing them up. So they took that

Mike Failace: 36:25

really? I was putting someone else's job and in jeopardy and

Kevin Donaldson: 36:28

how did that make you did anything click in the back of your head like wow, you know, these guys are taking a hit for me.

Tom Schmittler: 36:32

Oh, yeah, definitely. You know, I felt bad I was like, Look, you didn't do that. I would have took the hit. You could have brought me up it was out of the water that's for but I'm

Kevin Donaldson: 36:42

probably had something to do with alcohol

Mike Failace: 36:44

probably. But But um, you know, being an alcoholic, they say it's an awful selfish thing to so you kind of felt a little remorse but it was okay.

Kevin Donaldson: 36:52

Well, any, any addiction, any addiction or trauma, what I've recently come to understand, I understand it about myself. It creates a very narcissistic behavior in you. Mike has it? I have it, you probably have Absolutely. Where the world revolves around you. You know, this is just my theory. I'm naive. I'm not a medical professional. But the world revolves around you. It's like, well, this person doesn't want to go out to the bar with you will fuck them. They're ruining my good time. That's how that's how it's you perceive it. You know, people didn't call us fuck them. Well, they didn't know what to say.

Mike Failace: 37:27

How many times you say hey, you want to go out the barn guys like now I'm not gonna get pussy Right. Which wife say you can't go

Kevin Donaldson: 37:33

be a quitter. So you get back you keep drinking. How bad did it get?

Tom Schmittler: 37:38

ain't that bad? I mean, wasn't working. mother passed away. 2020 My father passed away from COVID that that hit me hard. So that was the two year mark. I just went downhill.

Kevin Donaldson: 37:56

And How deep did you go?

Tom Schmittler: 37:57

I went deep. June 1. I woke up. Finally shaken. violently shaken. Vomiting. DTS, DTS, puking. Puking out my ass.

Mike Failace: 38:14

Literally, literally, literally and figuratively,

Tom Schmittler: 38:17

right. Christine was at work. She's calling me all day. Hey, dude, I'm fine. Fine. Nothing to worry about. So did you take your medicine today as a key I took it. I'm good. She comes home. She looks at me. She's like, What the fuck happened to you? You look like shit. I feel like shit. I tell her what's going on. I go to the spare bedroom lay down on Taurus. I'm turning comfortable. I'm up. I'm puking. I'm petting the bathroom. Probably should as usual the hospital. I got to rent their car spot where I live. And I will have to registration right away like you go into DTS. It's been five days, the total fucking loss of

Kevin Donaldson: 39:00

consciousness when when I went to rehab, they brought a guy in who was I think they blew like a three eight. Alright, so he was but he was dead. He walked in. Like he walked in. I was yeah, that three eight he walked in. And I remember walking past his room and they were they had him on. They had him on Kalina pin. So the pills a colada Penner point fives, right. He was taken. I think someone told me 3.5 or four, or point or 4.0 of colonic. That's a lot of Klonopin. And he was you could see it because they had to keep the door open. So he's tossing and turning. I never went through detox like I didn't I I sobered up. I went into the facility sober. So I didn't go through that. I didn't understand that. But I'm watching this guy. Go through DTS, and the smell of alcohol coming out of the room was overwhelming. Was that you? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Tom Schmittler: 39:55

I mean, should she left my cell phone Don't call her at Howard. Remember this tells me strike holder up go where my fuck to sneakers. I'm looking for my favorite sneakers. She's like, You're not leaving the hospital. So you got to be there. If you don't if you don't stay there, you're gonna die. And she's a paramedic. So she knows two sides. She knows what to look for.

Kevin Donaldson: 40:20

Is she drinking too? I mean, does she she still drink occasional.

Tom Schmittler: 40:24

Okay, so should we still go to the bar?

Kevin Donaldson: 40:27

The IE, you have that? Beautiful near beer, right?

Tom Schmittler: 40:30

Fucking Sox fan. Hi, Heineken. I love my Heineken. But man, you got to do something about your double zero.

Mike Failace: 40:37

You did send out a group text. sitting here drinking my fake beer sitting here drinking my fake beer. Right.

Kevin Donaldson: 40:43

So you're going through this detox? take you five days. What did it feel like that first moment that you were clear?

Tom Schmittler: 40:52

Oh, I was like, what happened? Once like, refreshed, like where am I?

Kevin Donaldson: 41:01

You really didn't know where you were.

Tom Schmittler: 41:03

I had no idea where I was. I remember walking into the hospital. I remember walking into the ER and from the ER to the private room.

Mike Failace: 41:13

Locally call. No clue. No clue for the next five

Tom Schmittler: 41:17

days. I couldn't remember if I even ate those five days.

Kevin Donaldson: 41:21

Probably didn't. They have to keep you on 24 hours surveillance. Right. You have to make sure you're medically okay. Because once you hit that facility, you're their responsibility. Right? So did the staff come up and give you

Tom Schmittler: 41:35

Oh, man, I was talking to people. I mean, I was talking to dead peoples. I asked the nurse about my dead brother. Our brother has been dead two years. Oh, that sounds okay. You know, there's my brother Brian. And my fifth girlfriend fiance comes back and like who's Brian? That's his brother's been dead for two years. He's asking about

Kevin Donaldson: 41:56

oh, cow. That's crazy. So what changed? After you you went through detox what changed? She? Christine, Christine.

Tom Schmittler: 42:06

biggest, biggest right there. She said that if you don't stop drinking, you're gone. You'll be out on your ass. You'd be dead. She like give you three years. You go back drinking. You'd be dead. You have cirrhosis of the liver. We won't function I was I was at the point where I was drinking. I was shaking. Like, my hand would shake my hand. Since I stopped drinking. My hand hasn't shaved. While I was drinking, I was puking. I'm drinking a fake beer now. I'm not beautiful. But

Kevin Donaldson: 42:41

have you fallen since then? Once nine, four. What's the what's that temptation? Like?

Tom Schmittler: 42:47

Oh, the temptation is there every day? Yeah, it's dare have that I had to score went to a food truck festival. And you know, it's gonna be food trucks, whatever. And that beer truck there that big truck there. Aranda. That was 1000 trigger for me. Really? That was the trigger would you do? I just why not?

Kevin Donaldson: 43:11

You did you leave? Like what are some of the tools you learned in rehab?

Mike Failace: 43:16

There's got to be some kind of like safe zone for you. Now we're like, you're starting to feel like you're going down. Now. You gotta you learn.

Tom Schmittler: 43:21

You learn coping skills, you know, you breathing. I'm big on counting. If I teach Mike, my can't count past 10.

Mike Failace: 43:32

Kevin could go to seven knees. It was like,

Tom Schmittler: 43:35

you know, but you know, you learn coping skills and stuff like

Kevin Donaldson: 43:39

that? Well, that's what I want to learn. I want to I want to learn some of the coping skills because you've had this 20 year run more than that. 20 You know, 28 year run 30, almost 30 year run of drinking. You know, you just don't stop that habit overnight. You had to learn some tools. So what are some of the tools that we can pass on to our audience?

Tom Schmittler: 44:00

I definitely get a nap a day. Definitely that that sort of. Breathing,

Kevin Donaldson: 44:08

box breathing box breathing the four in four out four in four out and four down. Batch

Tom Schmittler: 44:13

breathing. Like I said, I'm big on counting. Meditation.

Kevin Donaldson: 44:18

Meditation, I say here. I say it here a lot. Meditation has saved me more than I can tell you

Tom Schmittler: 44:23

education and find somebody to talk to. I mean, I got you guys. I mean,

Kevin Donaldson: 44:29

we got inappropriate texts, right?

Tom Schmittler: 44:31

I mean, that's what I do. That's That's my weird way of saying it. I'm still here. I'm good. I might send out something stupid that my kids sent me or whatever. But that's my way of letting you guys know I'm still here.

Kevin Donaldson: 44:47

Yeah, you gotta you gotta surface because everybody was really worried about Yeah,

Mike Failace: 44:51

he dropped off for a while. Yeah, at one point and everybody's you know, we're texting he's I think we left them off a couple texts like anybody hear from Tom Hooper? Yeah,

Kevin Donaldson: 44:59

that's usually how happens in a group text when when there's concern. Get left off that bucket.

Tom Schmittler: 45:06

Phone So out. Yeah, exactly.

Kevin Donaldson: 45:08

That's how it starts. That's how it starts. I know. I know. I've been the subject of that once or twice. I know he has been the subject that I once or twice, you know, usually usually it comes around our anniversaries were like, Hey, get off the text and already know what's happening. But yeah, you were left off some text for that reason, because people are gonna get really, really concerned. Sure.

Mike Failace: 45:25

And then you have some people on there to text nothing but alcohol pictures. Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson: 45:29

That's fun. Well, prior prior to that, yeah, you were no, but you had that. So you even looked like you were going downhill like you went full bore down down the rabbit hole. Remember the Long Beard you'll find Santa Claus?

Tom Schmittler: 45:44

In Texas County. Beer and poster pickup truck. I went all in.

Mike Failace: 45:51

Now you were living in Sussex and drinkin and baon Yeah, that's an enjoyment oil. Yeah. I've someone someone was on your side. Bad as it got. Do

Kevin Donaldson: 46:02

you realize how? How much worse it could have gotten?

Tom Schmittler: 46:05

Yeah, I got out of the DWI. Yeah. Trooper came up sort of plates on the truck and was like, God bless the state police.

Kevin Donaldson: 46:15

You're lucky. You're lucky. It didn't happen around 2008 or nine. It was a digit. They would have Did you? And that actually I know that case why they would have Did you they wanted to troopers got bang for DWI call. Well, because he hit somebody. There's nothing to do. to shame.

Mike Failace: 46:31

No, thank God. You never hit anybody. I mean, that would have been

Kevin Donaldson: 46:34

when you practiced. Practice and

Mike Failace: 46:38

professional at this point.

Tom Schmittler: 46:39

Yeah, I know how to duck and weave. So

Mike Failace: 46:42

the junk and jive. I'm a

Kevin Donaldson: 46:44

big subscriber to the one day at a time in many aspects of my life. Oh, yeah. You do subscribe to Absolutely. Because that forever. I can never drink again is such a long time. Well, I

Tom Schmittler: 46:57

looked at exactly i I'm 48 I take every day. By

Kevin Donaldson: 47:02

the way, I want everybody to know Tom and I are the same age. I'm the oldest son ain't so bad look and look at this guy. Looks like he got a track back. It looks like he got out of Chernobyl.

Mike Failace: 47:12

But I'm 56 I'm gonna write for myself. Thanks. Okay, that makes us both feel better.

Tom Schmittler: 47:18

Yeah. So I, I still can't imagine I said I'm I'm not eaten. I still can't imagine means sober for the next 40 years.

Kevin Donaldson: 47:28

Why would you think about that? It's not here yet. Exactly.

Mike Failace: 47:31

What do you think about sober being sober for today, right. And tomorrow, I always say, you know, jump that hurdle when you get

Tom Schmittler: 47:36

to it, you know. So tomorrow's a new day, I want to wake up, take my meds. Got my dogs. Got my lady got you guys. Cut by the support factors in my life.

Kevin Donaldson: 47:50

You know, the sad part is is I don't know whether Mike feels this way. But I felt that, especially when things got real bad for you. We had to let you fall. It's not that we didn't care about you, because we really did. But in my in my mind, there was nothing I could say to you. Nothing I could do to you. That would make you understand that there's people out here to care for you. That is just shy of saying Pro. You're you're hurting us real bad. You're hurting us. But that we'll get back to that one day at a time thing. I live my life one day at a time. Like, you know, my relationship with my wife. It wasn't good yesterday, but it's good today. All right, so I'm gonna focus on today, I'm not gonna worry about the sustainability of that. Right now. Until I get some time in there. You got 90 days under your belt. So you know, you know what that feels like? You've already started to create that habit, right? But you know, we talked about this with random before, we would go out run and have a tough run. Well, I just gotta get to that next telephone pole. And then I'll worry about it afterwards, you know, and you tell yourself, I just get to that next telephone pole, then we'll think about stopping. And then that telephone pole becomes another one and another one and another one. And so you can use it in all different aspects of your life, but with sobriety. Jeez,

Mike Failace: 49:05

it's fine. People say all the time, like, Hey, how you doing? I woke up this morning. I woke up this morning, my feet started moving. Now I could take on to like, tomorrow, I'll wake up then take on that day, live one day at a time.

Kevin Donaldson: 49:17

Even though it was some stuff. I got a lot of hip pain now, like a lot of hip pain. I do something as stupid as that

Mike Failace: 49:23

he calls me old.

Kevin Donaldson: 49:26

And, well, you know, it's easy not to have hip pain when you five foot six, right shoulder

Tom Schmittler: 49:31

to the ground. Exactly.

Mike Failace: 49:34

Could you speed up that clock a little bit? We're gonna get out of here. I'm starting to catch.

Kevin Donaldson: 49:39

But I if I wake up in the morning, and there's no hip pain, I'm like, great. Well, guess what? I'm not gonna worry about tomorrow. I gotta actually gotta get them done. But it's just everything in your life one day at a time one day and have and surround yourself to because I imagine you had this group of friends for 30 years who were like, Hey, Tom squat to the bar. Right? Let's go do our thing.

Tom Schmittler: 49:58

I mean, he's still got the friends who go Article union doll coming up on retirement and having a retirement party to shit like that. I ain't gonna

Kevin Donaldson: 50:07

know I don't blame you. I don't blame you.

Mike Failace: 50:08

Why put yourself in a position and now, you know, I'm,

Kevin Donaldson: 50:12

what am I? I'm like, I never counted. So I'm like eight years where I haven't I haven't. I'm sober. And it's almost to the point now where I can I can say to myself, You know what, I got this. I can do it. But I don't. But I don't because I know if I drink tonight. I'll get away with it. And then tomorrow, I'll be like, Oh, I got away with it last night. I can get away with it tonight. So we did

Mike Failace: 50:37

go out to dinner one night, you had a glass of wine? I did. I did. I was like, oh,

Kevin Donaldson: 50:42

and afterwards, I felt guilty as shit. I really did. I was like, no, no, I'm this is me. This isn't me.

Mike Failace: 50:48

That could have went either one of two ways.

Kevin Donaldson: 50:50

It could have been it could have been. It could have went back. And I did it to be more social than anything else. But that's just not me anymore. Yeah. But so the repairing of your relationships in your sober life. Talk to me about that.

Tom Schmittler: 51:06

Well, definitely working on relationships when my son. He's 16. Now he saw this shit. He saw the shirt. He saw it. I mean, he saw it. He saw Wow, the acting. You come up to the house and see me drinking. I would drink around them. And he saw my behavior.

Kevin Donaldson: 51:25

And then that's how you started drinking. Yeah, you realize that?

Tom Schmittler: 51:27

Yeah. And I try I want to don't want him to go down that road.

Kevin Donaldson: 51:31

Well, they got I don't know whether you believe this or not. I don't know whether there's any any medical evidence of this. But I always was told since I was a little kid that it's in your blood. Like it's in my blood.

Mike Failace: 51:39

Obviously, addiction is hereditary. Yeah, absolutely.

Tom Schmittler: 51:42

I believe that.

Kevin Donaldson: 51:43

And, but you know, you so you're repairing of the relationship with your son. Maybe he should. He needs to hear this stuff that you're talking about, to know how you started and the path that you took, so he can avoid it. Right? You know, we all want our kids to learn from our own mistakes. We make the mistakes that they don't

Tom Schmittler: 52:01

have to absolutely we do it. Laughter right.

Kevin Donaldson: 52:04

So what's what's next for you like you're in IOP? Now, right?

Tom Schmittler: 52:07

I mean, IOP goes three days a week. It's a fantastic good program. It's for first responders and military veterans. What's it called? was sore out a shout out it's recovery sentence of America. Okay. Yeah, I'm working with two really good counselors, Michelle, and Brian.

Kevin Donaldson: 52:25

Do they know about the tracks message? Then we can send that over?

Mike Failace: 52:28

We can send it to them if you want. Yeah, yeah, you can send it to

Tom Schmittler: 52:33

the guy Brian. He is a cop. He won't say where. But he'll get a kick out of it. Yeah.

Mike Failace: 52:41

Those those just to let you know, I've had that on my phone like since Christmas.

Kevin Donaldson: 52:49

Yeah. We can do so much with that from the Hitler's So what's new about sober life? What's different? How you looking at things?

Tom Schmittler: 53:00

I'm looking at things totally different. I mean, like you said, One day at a time.

Kevin Donaldson: 53:05

What's one thing just give me one thing that's changed since you've been sober

Tom Schmittler: 53:08

with this change that I've been sober

Mike Failace: 53:10

is Gabor cash in his pocket?

Kevin Donaldson: 53:12

Yeah. Finally get that erection you always wanted.

Tom Schmittler: 53:14

Yeah. And I'm a little short down. But want to has been different? Ah, my communication, Christine. Definitely. Talk more. Okay, get in Canada out there.

Kevin Donaldson: 53:29

You went through that suffering with her? And she went through it, too. He

Mike Failace: 53:31

went through it. You're not the only one that suffered? Yeah. I put her to hell.

Kevin Donaldson: 53:36

Does she ever look at you sideways now? Like, sure you didn't drink? Yeah, sure. Sure. Ask,

Tom Schmittler: 53:41

you know.

Mike Failace: 53:42

And now we're if you disappear for a couple hours,

Tom Schmittler: 53:45

if I say I have a brother was in baon. And we'll go into some stuff with the house stuff. And I'm like, I have to go to bed on tomorrow.

Mike Failace: 53:53

Yeah, that's gonna be like a nightmare for her. Like,

Tom Schmittler: 53:55

she's like, I don't want you to say that's her trigger.

Kevin Donaldson: 54:00

So what happens if you trip? Because we all trip from time to time? I'm trying not to. But do you have a plan in place? If you do? No, no,

Tom Schmittler: 54:09

I have no plan. I have no sponsor.

Mike Failace: 54:12

That's how I was gonna ask you did you go like 12 STEP program or?

Tom Schmittler: 54:16

I'm white knuckling it.

Kevin Donaldson: 54:18

Well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get you in contact with our friend Charlie. Okay. I'm gonna, I'm gonna I'm gonna have I'm gonna get pass on your information with your permission. And because he's, I speak to him a lot about stuff and he's he's got so much knowledge on sober lifestyle.

Mike Failace: 54:32

Incredible, incredible guy. You're gonna love Charles, I want you to talk to him. I mean, he really is a good guy, because that's

Kevin Donaldson: 54:38

what it's all about. It's all about having the resources and surrounding yourself with the right people. And you know, you always can reach out to us. That's, that's not but we're not addiction specialists. We don't have 30 years in the system,

Mike Failace: 54:48

right? We're not addiction spec. So Kevin is just a dick. Yeah, he's Irish. Don't let him fool you.

Kevin Donaldson: 54:56

He's half Irish gets with partisans half Yeah.

Mike Failace: 55:00

But you know, I mean, even like Kevin said, we're here for you, you know that. And through through this podcast, we've made so many connections. And we have a lot of I mean, yeah, I think like, Adam Burt would be perfect for him.

Kevin Donaldson: 55:13

Adam would be great. Have you found any type of faith or anything?

Tom Schmittler: 55:16

No, I haven't found a quote unquote, higher power yet. They talk about it in group.

Kevin Donaldson: 55:23

That's a 12 step.

Tom Schmittler: 55:24

That's a toxic fire. I haven't gone to a meeting. I've looked at meetings, but I'm like,

Mike Failace: 55:30

Well, what are things and even Bread?

Kevin Donaldson: 55:32

Bread? Bread would be good bread would be he'd be real good gratefully when he went to where'd he go? Warriors heart. Yeah. Then you got Erica Erica blue from Blue magazine. She's another one. Yeah. So you know, we don't have these answers. We just know where to find them. And that's that's what it's about. It's it's

Mike Failace: 55:52

and that's what this podcast is really done for us. It did. You get into

Kevin Donaldson: 55:55

that spot. And you're like, What the fuck do I do now? And it's not an embarrassment thing. Because listen, I've been in positions, where I've talked about them. And they used to embarrass the hell out of me. Yeah, I've been in psych wards. I've been in resource some

Mike Failace: 56:09

of the positions you've been in recently. very embarrassing. Anybody know it?

Tom Schmittler: 56:14

That's how I change the shape of the show. Yeah, of course. Of course.

Kevin Donaldson: 56:17

I was starting to get a little sweaty. Had stains on it. Yeah. But you got to you got to reach out and, and forego your ego. If that if that ever does happen. Just there's things that I do talk about before mike so rudely interrupted me. There's things I do talk about that are super embarrassing to me. They really are, you know, my relationship, what I did to my wife, what I did to myself what I did to other people. But you've already you've I know one of the steps is surrendering to your higher power. You realize you're already not a higher power, but you already surrendered. Right? This thing is bigger than you. And that's the surrender. You finally admit it to yourself. You have you have a problem. Right. So you've already hit that step.

Tom Schmittler: 57:04

I know I'm an alcoholic. I know it's there. Steroids. It's in my it's in my genes. Yeah, I definitely know it says to addiction. I believe that it's part mental. You know?

Mike Failace: 57:18

Well, it's funny that that's it's one thing to bread said so if you remember that on his episode, he said somebody came up to me and said, Are you ready to surrender? He's like, I never surrendered to anything he was he didn't realize what it was in any one up surrender to a higher power turned his life around.

Kevin Donaldson: 57:32

So so when the next time that comes next time those thoughts come, you got to have that go to person, whoever it may be, whether it's Christine, your fiance, your you're gonna get married again.

Tom Schmittler: 57:43

I don't know. No. I haven't engaged fuck of eight years. Like why? Why do it now? You know, I was picking out coals from fucking siding. Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson: 57:53

Why would you do that? You just recovered from one addiction, you're gonna go into another addiction. Come on,

Mike Failace: 57:58

oh, when you take her to a ruber for a birthday, you know, make a nice location wedding.

Kevin Donaldson: 58:03

Well, if you had your way, next year at this time, I'd love to have you back to see how much your life has changed. Right? And, you know, you got to even if you trip that's it's actually you know, it's understandable if you trip and I gotta hope you don't. But I'd love to have you back to just sit there and talk to you and pick your brain and find out what has gotten better in your life because you know, you're 48 years old your life ain't over. Right? You got so much left to do. You've never seen the world as an adult through sober eyes. You realize that I don't know

Tom Schmittler: 58:38

who sober Tom is.

Mike Failace: 58:41

Doesn't lead sober Tom yet nevermind. Seeing the world through silver. I'm sober. Tom. Silver. Silver Schmidty.

Kevin Donaldson: 58:50

Sober Schmidty near beer. Zero, sober Schmitt. He's double zero. That's it. That's it. But I'd love to invite you back. Okay. In a year's time, find out where you go to make sure you're still working the program. And also you gotta remember you're not bigger than this. I don't care how tough you are. i That's something I've learned about myself. I'm not bigger than anything.

Mike Failace: 59:12

So if you ever did trip, the big thing is getting back up from it. Right? You know, because we don't trip you're you're gonna have a stumble. Hopefully, like Kevin said, hopefully you don't. But if you stumble, it's how you react to that stumble and pick yourself up and keep going.

Kevin Donaldson: 59:26

So we're coming to the end of this thing, Tom and you've you've listed 30 year mess.

Mike Failace: 59:31

Mess. And he says that in a nice way. Yeah.

Kevin Donaldson: 59:34

I mean, it is it is that when you're at the bottom of the stairs, there's only one way to go. It's the go up,

Mike Failace: 59:42

right. And when you're up and you're at the top of the stairs, you go down in a heartbeat. You go down

Kevin Donaldson: 59:46

real quick. Oh, yeah. So if you had to think about some of the stuff that you've learned throughout this 30 year journey of alcohol abuse, what do you think your sufferings taught you? As a teacher Question. I don't think I have an answer for it. That's a first That's first. That's the first. I've learned a couple things about you though. I've learned that you, you're this unbelievably nice guy. You really are. You have a gigantic heart

Mike Failace: 1:00:18

and funny shit.

Kevin Donaldson: 1:00:19

You're hilarious. to Texas. It's crazy. It's crazy. And you have this one thing that is able to be overlooked because of all the great things about your characteristics. You know, it's, it's like, it's like seeing a masterpiece painting. But it's just got that one little thing on the corner. But unfortunately, that one little mistake on the corner is the thing that everybody looks at and everybody points to, but over time, those mistakes will fade. Those mistakes will fade. So all those great things that that Tom Schmidt layer is they're going to come out and they're gonna see the light. Okay. Okay.

Tom Schmittler: 1:00:59

Okay. Fucking queer.

Mike Failace: 1:01:04

He's trying to get the vibe. Jesus. He doesn't usually once a shell bring me right

Kevin Donaldson: 1:01:09

back. You bring me right back. Tom, thank you so much for coming. Thanks, guys. So much,

Mike Failace: 1:01:15

Tom. You're your friend. You're a great guy. And you know, we'll always be here for you. Thanks, Mike.

Kevin Donaldson: 1:01:19

And that's gonna do it for this episode of the suffering podcast the suffering of sobriety with Tom Schmidt ler aka Schmidty, aka the TrackMaster. And let's think about all the stuff that we learned today. It's number one, don't eat crayons. It's not a problem until it's a problem, which seems to be or your Chronicle of Life. drinking on the job is never a good idea. Another bad idea is threatening your supervisors. But most importantly, Christine, and I want you to listen to this. Christine is your angel. Okay, and that's gonna do it for this episode of the suffering podcast. Don't forget to follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Follow Mike at Mike underscore Falaise. Follow me at real Kevin Donaldson and we will see you on the next episode of the suffering podcast.